Wednesday….August 12th…A Few Thoughts for Today….

somewhere-around-midnight

“Somewhere Around Midnight”, 2009

here is a page from my book… “A Daily Log of Dysfunctional Thoughts”…I shortened the book by about 48 pages…I guess there are pages that are just not meant to be read….I should have everything done by…September 10th or close to it…and in the hands of the magician….

“Needs a vacation”….is what my cardboard sign said…there was a small arrow pointing to a picture of me….taped to the cardboard….surrounded by some doodles done with a Sharpie pen….accentuating the desperate desire to get out of town for a few years….it wasn’t the lack of “Deadpan Humor” I missed….or the fact that I was standing at the wrong intersection….I think it was the soup I swam in each day had lost all flavor… and I of all people was begging for a sort of chiapino that tasted fishy yet lacked that harbor smell…. it was about not caring…not wanting to care for anyone….or anything anymore … compassion…I had that….it was tucked into my vest pocket ….just too tight…I’d signed all of the dotted lines…made some decisions without….consulting the I Ching…..and thought long and hard about how…I remembered her in those winter flannel gowns….were those photographs…I was keeping…or putting in the box marked…”Don’t care anymore”…. and putting away until my memory could handle ….holding my hand over the flame longer than a few minutes….so instead I mixed a single drop…of blood….stirred the exact number of times…sort of the fingerprint from my heart…signed each photograph…in a religious sort of way…prayed for night time… with just a bit of light…a clean warm place to rest…still water…and a place to look out of…with blue glass walls…and coral colored shutters on the windows…so did it really matter then…or was there beginning a shift that would never be the same…and smiles would change…as would names…and the description of small babies….as least as we would know them…they would never hold both hands…at once….just separate fingers messed with separate fingers…macaroni and cheese…except the cheese…it’s next door…still in the refrigerator…so I guess it’s just macaroni…and you can just imagine the…cheese…if you want…her stooped body no longer worked well…she cried late into the night…because it just didn’t fit her anymore …and the loss of the sensation was greater than the…sensation…so it became…random pearl diving….in the coal black waters….everything by feel… everything by sense… rather than blinking the eye to translate the language…and hoping the right people…were watching at the right… time…to somehow make sense…of it all…he recalled the life… the dream…how it never really made it easy climbing with… the extra weight in his pockets….but they were beautiful stones…ones that would line a garden one day…or maybe…a window sill…and when they were washed from…summer….they’d shine …scream out…in colors….that would hang like mist sprayed ….thin…veil like… droplets trapped in the silk at the corner…just on the edges…were they thick…dense  ….backed up….the spider life aint easy…he’d always said…it’s all about wait….there in your ropey world…many things go many directions…many times …in…many days…it ‘s his own little puzzle….charred from the fire…but still has part of the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen…even though they put the…“Lost” photos….on every telephone pole…stop sign…large wall…with beautiful pictures of the two of them….there they are sitting next to each other…her hand on his leg…he’s smiling…they both are drinking red wine…it seems strange to recover a lost love…this way…and just maybe… they’ll find him…living in the high trees by the park…Calvino would put him there ….except younger…more renaissance….with a sword…maybe…and her fragrance still lingers….an amulet of scent…I wear…to protect me…perhaps… remind me… certainly…and for reasons that combined…still speak quickly….far from a whisper yet…less than audible…I still squint my eyes to hear…the noises…water bone sounds …pass the deep black stillness…where everything floats…inside out…outside in…

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3 thoughts on “Wednesday….August 12th…A Few Thoughts for Today….

  1. Is this an excerpt from the daily writing you did last year? It is marvelous. Reminds me a little of Richard Brautigan’s work. I like this post and will order a copy of the book from the Magician when it becomes available. Lovely.

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  2. It’s a little like each string of words makes a little bead of image in my head that strings together in a kind of picture rosary that my mind keeps turning over and over. I respect your decision to exclude some but I’m thinking there might be beads that might need to be felt? Can’t wait to hold the whole in my hand. smooches

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