Friday…November 13th…Last night….I Dreamed of Paul Gauguin…..I’ve nothing more to say…….

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“One Way Out” 2009

“Life is hardly more than a fraction of a second. Such a little time to prepare oneself for eternity!”- Paul Gauguin

it was sort of one of those familial rifts…you know…sis was taller and bigger than I was…but I was faster and smarter than she…it made sense to play the worst card first while the best hid in the bushes..waiting for the pack to pass…then I’d  join like I started the race…from the beginning…even though I wore a t-shirt that had “Liar” written across it on the back…there up on the shoulders…so maybe people thought it was my name…not my habit…but he’d told us to do that is what I was told to say if I got caught…”He told us…swear to god…he told us”…..

I never liked the shoes the buckled….seemed to risky for me …made me want to …dress in a way that was not me…in my plain blue jeans and a plaid shirt with pearl snaps….usually green checkered…with red lines…or blue checks with white lines…I didn’t much care about the lines…or the checks…or what color they were….I cared about the naked girl playing cards in his top drawer…and I’d make up stories about “Her”….she was the 7 of hearts…me I was the 6 of spades…I guessed…or at least I would be if I could be…

those roads there…”They take you right into hell”…is what she’d say…she’d dated a bush pilot named Jules…in Fort Yukon…before her move much further south….had both of her breast removed from cancer….coughed all day from cigarettes…called tequila…”Tekillya”…and I’d laugh…when she’d say it…out loud…she talked in her sleep….sometimes cried…kept me awake…on those dreamless nights…just listening…to her rasping snore…

“Hell boy…it’s in the goddamn water…it’s not like you can see it or anything….it’s hidden like …like the breath of God”…..you believe in God doncha…I said you believe in God above doncha….”…..he’d hit me before because I didn’t answer quickly enough…but today…he was faster…I was slower…and God…well…he didn’t intervine….maybe he wanted the answer too….

Mark pushed the door so hard it…hit the white brick wall and came back faster….I tripped at that second on the door sill…fell into the 300 mile an hour door handle…right on the bridge of my nose….it exploded in crimson….tinted the rust colored quarry tile blood red….felt like syrup coming out of my nose….I didn’t cry…because they were all there…but I wanted to….my eyes filled with tears….I couged…blood came out of my mouth….she screamed…he said “Cool”…..he looked over his paper…said…”you’ll be fine…take a few aspirin…call me in the morning”….laughed….out loud….went back to reading the…funnies…..

I wanted to tell her I loved her….but couldn’t…not because I couldn’t speak…I was to afraid of what…she’d say….she was a working girl….needed me only for my 8 dollars that we negotiated from 15….so my apprehension was real…she was different…I thought….sure she was older….more experienced…and I knew her name wasn’t…”Wendy”…because a few weeks before she had a different name….then….and I knew we’d never get close to really getting close….she…hated me really…but loved me when I  took out the black wallet mom and dad gave me last Christmas….gave her a few dollars for a drink…or cigarettes…and I’d watch her with those other men…she did to them what she did to me….and never looked over at me not even to smile….or wink….

it rained hard that afternoon…I sat on the edge of the bed for a few hours…just listening…..thinking I was playing the guitar…..when really I was never even close to that place……not ever

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