Sunday….January 3rd…I was poisoned 16 years ago today…..closed the doors and never came back….sort of a “Momento” moment….you’ll have to ask me….

“Shadow Play” 2010

“Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy” – Albert Einstein

I didn’t know much about giving…I’d taken most of my 36 years…so this concept was new…something that would require….either quick learning or putting the grains of sand on the scale one at a time until…things evened a little more…if that was possible….seemed the slow draw made more sense than just jumping into the pond without testing the temperature….at least with a toe….or maybe a quick hand through the dark blue…we all had a manual…something we read….with those dog eared pages…that sort of defined how we were going to place our piece on the board…move it forward or sideways…and if we were even going to follow the rules….and I guess that’s where we differed…I might have been a taker but I followed some unwritten rule where as he…he took ….and had not idea there was a rule other than his own….which needed to be in place…like a cast setting a fragile broken bone…it would change as everything around him changed….but always to the hard side…that place that made you a little afraid to look him straight in the eyes…for fear he might notice….say something that would draw you from your seat….but these days the devils had moved a bit further south….they fly up periodically….cause a little trouble and then leave….maybe it’s their nature…or it’s that string I forgot why it’s tied around my finger…but maybe that reminder….keeps me  in that same jar…some days…out of the jar others….it sounds like a sirens singing while I’m tied to the mast…for fear of the insanity finding a place to call home….or somehow…when I look down…see the….”danger on the rocks….is surely there”….all of this becomes somewhat of an illusion of sorts…on those days…when the fast scurrying birds….chase the foamy beige tide….out….looking for the small things left behind….and I have to ask myself if I…still do that…too….

there were those afternoons I could remember….time stood still seemed when I looked at her…she laughed all day long in…slow motion….and we’d make those plans…that maybe weren’t for tomorrow or the next day…but more those gray-haired days….when we could have a little dog….and not such a small apartment in the city….a place that had a flower garden…and moss cover edges on the walk….maybe the waiting would make it happen or maybe thinking enough about it caused it to churn from the bottom of the world….someday to the top….where we were….I hoped…those days…even prayed a little to God…explaining the way I’d been was different….now….and this would be like a reward…I know….and it’s hard to think that doing something right for doing something wrong only spells the words….in another way….I watched my great-aunt Emily…put her hats carefully back in the hat boxes…she handled them like sleeping children…the pearl hat pins…were shaped like teardrops…with a long thin sharpened metal end…she wore those black lace up shoes….that caused her ankles to swell…and a white blouse…buttoned to her neck…I loved her…because she was who she was…and she was left handed…she scared everybody…but me…when she used a knife….to cut up vegetables…..I saw her once in my life with her hair down…..it was early in the morning…she was sitting on the stone steps in her robe…looking towards France…..maybe she was there….I closed the door…went back to bed….it was still dark….

I just wanted the noise to stop and…the music to begin…sort of like an elevator with too many people in it…somebody has bad breath…or forgot deoderant…..and it’s a long flight…..up….wishing the 28th floor came before the 9th…hoping those days of rolling brown outs here in the city was not today…not in a few seconds……

I heard this song for the first time in 1987…after hearing it…I went to lunch…quit my job…and decided to open a business…I guess the music began….

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3 thoughts on “Sunday….January 3rd…I was poisoned 16 years ago today…..closed the doors and never came back….sort of a “Momento” moment….you’ll have to ask me….

  1. “I heard this song for the first time in 1987…after hearing it…I went to lunch…quit my job…and decided to open a business…I guess the music began….”

    Funny thing is, I did that. Was working at a place that translated Japanese comics in the Bay Area. Editor in Chief. Went to lunch. Had an epiphany watching people at a sandwich shop, grinding back and forth in the daily humdrum darkness. The endless repetition of mundane existence… I knew it wasn’t for me, and knew I had to leave it. Right then.

    I finished my salami sandwich, went back to work, and quit my job.

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  2. it is a wonderful experience knowing that all of the stuff that somedays seems is important…can be ended at a sandwich shop…or discarded when hearing a song….

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  3. it is amazing to me how things like this can so spur a person on. Course, I’m sure that’s why they make millions on motivational music cds and videos… to work out to or whatever.

    But I do love the song….and love that you knew in your heart something was right.. and went for it.,…

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