Wednesday….January 13th…the 200th Post….too bad there’s no prize for that…..

“Signs” 2010

“I’ve found you’ve got to look back at the old things and see them in a new light.” – John Coltrane

she handed me the lighter….it was red hot…”this means you love me” she said…I did…but not this much….he said…”I do”…..”I do love you that much”….it was like a joke gone bad…she’d never love a red-headed boy…how could she…she wrote in her diary…with the little lock and key thinking…and her not so young…but not so old girl….body and mind…..she had trouble written deep in the creases of her little girl body….it had already gotten him sent away…to that school where the boys…live….way out there at the end of Winder road…where the wind never stops…he’d be home in a few more months….it had been 13 months…in a few days….for him a birthday and a half….he was different his daddy told me….something happened in there…but now it was the start of summer…and the wet excelsior smell filled the house….and the late night…stars could keep me awake as long as they wanted…I had nothing on the papers for tomorrow….or the next few days other than the normal stuff….he said “here drink it…it’s like soda”…..I tipped the green bottle to my lips…it smelled good…but it was soapy water….they laughed as I gagged…and he pushed me into the wall…the bottle fell…and broken on the cement…..little buubles everywhere….”You’d better clean that shit up before dad gets home”….he just walked a way from it all….he and his friend John P……the boy with the shellacked…. coal-black hair…and I wished somehow I could have been in Mexico…right then……

I thought about where it all was going…I mean she was a dancer…with a 3 year old…married a G.I. a few years before…but couldn’t find him to divorce him….I was working doing nothing….mostly gladhanding those fucking people…that couldn’t figure out simple things….was it 10w 40 they needed or 20w 10….I just lied…told them they were “right”….and what did they need me for….she asked if the blue lights on stage made her stretch marks noticable….I always said “No”…even though you coud see every one of them…follow them from her belly to her thighs…..”he was big baby” she’d say….”he really messed me up”….her lips would get thin lines in them when she smoked….and she laughed with that mucus laugh…..like she was going to cough…I was going to talk to her….see if she wanted to make some extra money….I didn’t really love her…I just needed her….I knew she could get us more…but she couldn’t do it on her own…she needed me….too…like how fish work in a small bowl….everybody gets theirs….just in smaller pieces….the boy just sat there he’d suffered from her…he paid the price for her…and would for a few hundred years…..every 4 hours…hook him up to the machine….just to breath…..never going to be normal….but who were we…to talk….

It was all so bright and noisy….I could hear every scream….every gunshot…every balloon breaking…..and smell the horse shit…all over the ground….each tent had hundreds of bright-colored balloons and streamers….I felt like Pinnoccio…and would soon be turned into a donkey….there was a grease smell from the rides….their big gears…hydralic piston…hissed…and churned…it all seemed so unreal…yet here we were…by ourselves…I didn’t have to hold on to my mother’s skirt…and keep my other hand in my pocket…I could touch things…without a scolding….I watched the smoke from the cook tents…..cover the night sky with a white haze….and those tents you had to be over 18 to get into…he told me they had sex shows in there…..but he also told me humans make….peanut butter….in their bodies…..it didn’t matter there was far too much to see and take in….I just wanted to sit and watch it all happen….I wanted it to never end…..I peeled a flake of pale blue paint from the metal bench…I sat on….it cut underneath my fingernail…..a drop of blood fell on the white toe of my tennis shoe…….

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