202.Friday…..January 15th….But really I didn’t plan that emergency…..

“O No” 2010

“Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it” – Jules Renard

she had changed little…she still sat at the window…finding the weird connections…like spider webs…but never a spider…always worried about the venom…when the stinger was never present…so afraid it was going to be a doorbell ring one day…and that accident…the one that happened across the map…that one would have all of her family involved in it…even though they lived thousands of miles away from the oil stains on the pavement…and the small broken pieces of reflectors…….he stood above his mother’s deathbed…for weeks…there on the central coast of California…where the moist air moves inland…and it seems like a cool day in Florida….all of her life she worried…she worried about the assault…the rape…knew what they would look like….how their breath felt on her….how ashamed she would feel….knew everything to the detail…like model airplane instructions…in English….Spanish…and also French….her days were baited with anticipation….and she died that March morning at 7:16 am…there with her son sitting next to her…..and he said…to me that day….”she worried about nothing…it never happened… but she needed something…something in her life to worry about that was dangerous to her…her greatest fear”….he hammered every  nail he could….find…..there was a part of him that hoped he’d hit his hand…and make that whistling sound…of pain….maybe…a black and yellow fingernail for a couple of weeks….who knew…other than himself…but still the spider web….slinked into their lives….and for her….the window with her hazy reflection was her notebook….a place to see through  foretell the events to come….even if she knew they were going the wrong direction…on the wrong set of tracks…. the wrong time….it was finding some connection to her pre-made disastor…just add water and stir…..right there in the glass in front of you…if you want that one…or maybe instead she would  start sleeping on the living room couch…since she was tired of him being tired of her….but they’d play house….just like they did….it seemed forever…..and she could never tell the truth….it was far too sharp….to abrasive….to predictable…..it was much easier looking through the glass world….where the distraction of the “Never going to happen” world…seemed so real…so intoxicating…afterall…anything was better than this…..right?

there was the impact…..it was enough to jerk you right from your shoes….kind of put you back faster than you knew….those sorts of accidents…just seem like they’re designed to solely get your attention….not for any reason other than to say something maybe like….”Wake the fuck up”….and it doesn’t take a few hours on the same roller coaster….to pound the point home….maybe just a moment sitting with the binoculars….seeing things closer than they really are….the splinter in your finger…looks like a toothpick…that loss from Christy Mae walking out the door….left your heart looking  like a cleaved side of beef….and that bowl of Malt O Meal….sort seems like quicksand….but the snap of a finger….the watch stops and you gradually come back to planet earth….with all of these great new tools to enhance and make life so much better….you wanted the sea monkey world…where you could be a farmer…or the game of Risk…where you could show just what size your testicles truly were….without really having to slaughter…a few hundred thousand people….get a few….cardboard medals….maybe talk some shit to those you dominated….but then buy them some hot wings…..at Brewsters… later that night…and forget you were Kubla Khan….and they were just dust…..or perhaps things went ther other direction…life’s lessons were not lessons after all…. they were the punishment for your real messed up earlier life…and all the Karmic wheel stuff…the stuff you talked about but never took the time to digest…really believe….decided to show you what a whirlwind really was like….or what a small corner of vengance…might just feel like….when your wet hands…find the black earth cool…and pressing the seeds deep into the soil….seeing what could be in a few weeks….there is that time to rest your forehead against the forehead of that which you love….that place that feels peace…only….yet it is not the black soil…or the future of harvest….or the peace of another….my pocket had a few coins and some lint…..maybe 35 cents all told……3+5 was 8…not my lucky number…..but it was close……

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