264. March 23rd…My grocery list is now one sentence….I just fill in one blank….

“No More Beams of Light” 2009

“There was this funny thing of anything could happen now that we realized everything had.”- Raymond Carver

once when I was in therapy…I was asked to write down what I wanted in my life….I was so entrenched in the process of knowing what I wanted…I inadvertantly became a list maker in that very moment…I wrote a list and a very long list of what I wanted…”Professionally”….”Personally”….”Internally” …Externally” ….”Artistically”….”Sexually”….”Spiritually”….”Financially”….I formatted the page so every header was exactly like the preceding and following header…made certain all of the margins and gutters were the same…no deviation….”Bold Italics” here…..”Regular underlined“….here…the list was a stellar example of what one person with a little obsession can do with “Microsoft Word”….I kept that list until last night….and reread it a few times…the greatest problem with the list was….there was absolutely no room for movemnet….the list read something comparable to this:

wake up…turn head left….turn head right….open eyes…appear to be really happy….(once feet are on the floor) stretch arms…arch back…stand….raise closests blinds….move to other window…raise blinds….make a comment….look out window in an upward position….make another comment….search for flip flops….put left on left…right on right….scratch some area of body…walk out of room….

the dilemma to making a list of what I wanted….especially then was….I had no idea what I wanted….my filling in the blanks was really about the words that sounded right for the assignment….and how my mind molded the clay into the shapes that resembled dogs…pigs…cats and horses….. I couldn’t use words like “ascertain” or “acquiesce”  which are by far two of my favorite words…I had to write each “What I Want”…. down….and I know with certainty that what I wrote was some facsimile of the truth…yet far from the even remotely attainable truth…..call it what you will…..but the written word is very powerful ….even if it makes no sense or holds little value….I guess it would be like me announcing to the world at my age of 53….that I want to change professions and return to school….to become a neurosurgeon….forget the 4 years of school…(now I’m 57)…the 2 years of internship (now 59) and the 2 years of residence (now 61)….then being dumped out the other end with 300,000 dollars worth of student loans vying for a job as a surgeon….at 61……and wondering why it isn’t working the way….I planned it on paper…..

I deleted my unrealistic….list late last night….I don’t need a reminder….I have all of them I need….and started thinking immediately about….the new list…..the one that has all of the answers that the prior 2 page list failed to give….I thought about the format…all of the variables involved in making a list of what I want  that truly displays exactly what I want…so there is no question….I used the same….”Professionally”….”Personally”….”Internally” …Externally” ….”Artistically”….”Sexually”….”Spiritually”….”Financially”….thinking this is where a good list starts….and once these all have little bulleted “I wants” underneath them…the list will be complete….the clarity like a sharp stick in the eye…..that simple….

after some time…and many attempts….my list never got done…. I found…I do know exactly what I want….in all of the topics of concern…and it’s not that I’m on the cover of Forbes Magazine as the greatest professional…..or I’m so spiritual I light up a room just by walking into it…..or I can draw a line and it has such artistic meaning…so I made a list with one sentence in it…..and I just fill in the blank…….

I want my___________________________  life to be prosperous…even…balanced…smooth…fufilling with great discovery…great knowledge  and great results……..

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