266. March 26th….Be all you can be…not necessarily in the Army….but in your own mosaic….

“Door Number One” 2009

“I know we’re not saints or virgins or lunatics; we know all the lust and lavatory jokes, and most of the dirty people; we can catch buses and count our change and cross the roads and talk real sentences. But our innocence goes awfully deep, and our discreditable secret is that we don’t know anything at all, and our horrid inner secret is that we don’t care that we don’t.” – Dylan Thomas

My life was once extremely simple…I could put everything I owned in my truck…top off the load with my plastic covered mattress and  a new direction was the paramount issue of the day….there was a lure about that then…that was just so liberating and freeing….where as now the notion of moving like that with no real destination in mind is not near as appealing…..could be a lot of reasons….maybe just a few but….there are enough reasons that keep me right where I am….for what I need to be here for…..and I guess knowing that is a nice little added bonus to just being….

I can’t stay up as late as I used to…or drink like I did before…..I stopped taking drugs so long ago….I wouldn’t even know what decade it was….my days of carousing have slowed….I suppose I’m getting to a place where smaller things have bigger results for…..me….I kind of knew this was out there waiting….for me….and I imagine if I truly dug down deep I could have admitted this a few years ago…but there was still some buck left in me that wasn’t ready to take this position…..easily….

don’t for a minute think I think I’m old…..I’m not…I am at a place in my life that is a comfortable pair of shoes…a place I can look all directions and see something I have done or know a little something about…that same place is a location that no matter where I go…it goes with me…within that location is everything that makes me ….me…..kind of like a suitcase I don’t have to carry….with all of the stuff inside…..being here is ideal…there are certain things I don’t have to try ever again…things I can say…”no…I don’t like that”….or “that is one of my favorites”….let me give you an example…

most of my life when it came to ice cream…I knew without a doubt that vanilla was not a favorite of mine….chocolate was right up there yet there seemed to be something else…something maybe I’d not had enough of…or had never tasted before…so I knew to say “Chocolate was my favorite”….was not a true statement…something I knew would change over time…somewhere in my 30’s “sorbet” entered the picture and palette cleansing was significant…over many years of sorbet vs chocolate…I finally settled on Rainbow Sherbet…..as my favorite…..what you say…where did that come in….Rainbow Sherbet is the point….it doesn’t have to be in the picture….to be in the running….you just have to know about it…..

so I know with little reservation…I don’t like…egg plant….okra…..Brussell sprouts…..most squash…..cabbage…..no matter how it’s cooked…..and I can say that with confidence…I don’t like twin beds…I like a queen sized bed…..not king sized…..I like either green or blue towels…sometimes tan….maybe lavender…but rarely red…..I like to tie my shoes tight…..and wear a belt……two shirts in winter…..ankle socks in summer…..I like to name everything that is white in my life….”Great White”….no matter what it is and how many white things are in my life…..(can never have enough “Great Whites”)

you do this too….maybe not so calculated or perhaps as calculated or even more calculated…this is called Our roving inventory of the small little mosaic pieces that make the image of us that is completely different from anybody else’s mosaic” …..Nice to know that what you’ve been doing over all of these years….actually has a name….not a legitimate name…but one that if you say it few hundred times…you will begin to believe it….really does exist…..

1 Comment

  1. Age is relative. A single instant in a great span of time. Who knows? Who cares? I don’t. And I never want to be at the place where I refer to myself as “old.” Blechh.

    I was once a lot more mobile as well. I understand. I moved for the heck of it. At the drop of a hat. Just to see what other places were like. That’s why we moved here. Just because it would be a new experience–something fun, different.

    I have never liked the traditional things most people aspire to–the marriage, family, white picket fence, 2.5 kids, prescribed life, locked-in career thing.

    Owning a house, however, appeared to offer great freedom from the unswervable landlord–and we pined away for it, only now to find it the greatest padlock of all (because we allow it to be). The best part now is, I understand the importance of buying a home in a place you truly belong–and also to remember to keep the level of permanence that comes along with being tied to one spot NOT permanent, so you’re not really tied at all. Know what I mean?

    I’ve got the key to the padlock and that sucker is almost off. Some sand got into the gears, but it just takes a little WD-40.


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