289. April 19th…Testing without the grades….and the the all new… “Stationary”….I can hear it feel it and smell it….smells like new custom vinyl….oh yes…..

“6:35, am Nothing Happening” 2010

“Footfalls echo in the memory, Down the passage which we did not take, Towards the door we never opened into the rose garden” – T.S. Elliot

I recall taking an exam in college….the instructor said…”I am testing you to find out what you don’t know“… being an anxiety ridden person…the thought of what I didn’t know immediately cluttered my brain….I thought of all of the math I didn’t know…and how poorly I did on Spanish verb conjugations in the past predicate….what exactly did Chaucer write…and was atheistic existentialism….a concept…a theory or a philosophy…and when did the Rolling Stones write “19th Nervous Breakdown”….I could go on …but you get my point….after the smoke had cleared….I had washed my face a few hundred times…sharpened my pencil until I could no longer hold it….the test completed…I realized the “What I didn’t know” was not about the volumes of information I know nothing about….it was pertinent to  the particular class…an Art History class at that…something I was familiar with…something I did migrate to with no effort….

we all migrate to something that makes very clear and precise sense to us…a feeling of knowing we have a handle on a particular thing by how we are with it and about it….the element may be something like a sound…..we can close our eyes and hear that sound that becomes a beacon for us…a device that keeps us from the rocks….there is that certain thing we hear…see or feel or do…that cradles us in a way…gives us a place to be when we really want that place….could be the falling of water…on hands…or sounds moving through the trees…but that “Thing” is in part us….a piece of us that takes us back to some beginning….we often drift away from….

for me it is a sound….I can stand in the desert…or a cliff above the ocean…almost anywhere and close my eyes and hear the silence around me….something that if recorded would be small intermittent sounds of no real interest…to me though it is the sound of nothing I guess I hear…the wind passing my face…at different speeds…the flow of the breeze…the sounds of the non-sounds….all of those things I have somehow become a part of…there are more I migrate to….yet they are a bit hidden…and when I encounter them they become very clear…and I question why I have not paid more attention to these things in my life…it all turns out to feel very good on every level …… that’s me…..

think of the endless opportunities we have had and….we somehow chose this one…this one right here that got us to this place…where these people are involved…and you and I are who we are….but think if maybe it had to wait a year…or two….or you decided to take the left instead of the right…where would you be sitting today….would it be a different spot…or would it be about the same…just a different path to arrival….smaller place on the map….and would you be who you are as you know yourself…or would the things you migrate to have caused you to become a little different….more of something less of something else….

It doesn’t really matter how we get to where we get…..when we decide we are there is when we can take the inventory….open the boxes we have filled with us…see what we still are..what we no longer want to be…and what we could be….that place called “Stationary“….if  my job was the guy that named cars…I’d certainly name a car “The Stationary” ………

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