372. July 27th…Be all you can be….or all you can be….be….but whatever it is… by all means…please be you…..

“She sang the blues and the ballads” 2010

“Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth.” – Jean-Paul Sartre

I woke this morning…in a wondering sort of start…I was thinking about coffee beans…and then shrimp…then rice…then leaves on trees…sand on the beach…gray rocks the size of a quarter….bunches of bananas….pennies….cat whiskers…..chopsticks….curved lines….all within a few seconds of awakening…my feet planted firmly on the wood floor…using my toes for a secondary set of eyes….in search of my shoes…I  had to say “whew” out loud….I’d already felt as though so much had happened in such a short time I wasn’t certain what to make of it…both cats looked at me as if they had experienced some degree of the multiple thoughts…they would have said…..”whew“….if they were capable……..

sometimes the multiple thoughts are like chickens being let out of the coop…first thing in the morning…a serious scramble to really nowhere with absolutely nothing in mind…that’s how it felt today…I thought of all of these things….sort of processed the why…tried within the first few seconds…to make some sense out of it and then realized…it was maybe some residuals from a dream…or I had gone to bed with these thoughts and just didn’t remember them….either way it was nothing really alarming…sort of like walking around for a few hours and finding my zipper was down and I had a piece of spinich in my teeth…and I’d buttoned my shirt incorrectly….nothing serious….

these days my thoughts have slowed a bit….and that’s not really anything to be concerned about…I’m actaully happy about it…it gives me a chance to think things over….sort of see how tall the hurdle is before I even think about trying to jump…it…or if jumping is even a possibility….I read better than ever before too…take my time and digest every word of every sentence…I’m not eager for the end of things to arrive….and I fill my gas tank up when it’s close to 1/2…I say things like….”Think about it” …..”How well do you know this person“….”Time will tell“….I dry my hands on the drapes and t-shirts…..and I’ve cut all of the elastic off of every pair of white socks I own….I’ve somehow become this person somewhere between Charles Bukowski and Ward Cleever…with a bit of Paul Gauguin thinking thrown in there as the icing or whipped cream….or maybe the hot stuff that seems so incidental…..yet reminds me of the differences I want to embrace….and accept….as a part of me that makes me…me….

we are who we are by all of the small little things that add up to some total….subtract a few risky behaviors when younger…throw in the new responsibilities of adulthood…tweek a few things…and fundementally we are a bigger…wider….grayer….smater….balder…..version of what we once were….

my dermatologist said…”I am everything she expected a 53-year-old man to be“…..and as I left I could only think of……what else could I be…..I started whistling again for the first time in a long time…………that day……

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