409. September 11th….Sure it’s a beautiful candy colored….swirly sphere rolling down the isle…….there is a much deeper darker secret…about bowling balls….no one…really wants to talk about…..

“When Everything’s Quiet” 2010

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ” – Lily Tomlin

last night a program I had been waiting for….for a year finally came on television…I rarely watch the “How it’s Made” show….but since I have developed a particular love affair with bowling balls….and have incorporated them into the jewelry I make…I’ve been intrigued….by how a bowling ball is made….and last night….they showed….me…..

I’ve had my ideas…even have sounded somewhat like an authority on bowling ball manufacturing…I’ve gone as far as calling the Brunswick Company and started rubbing elbows with the guys in…R &D….who by the way…no longer take my calls….I’ve spoken to the head of reasearch and development…about bowling balls….our conversation was as if we were talking about nuclear weapons…he kept saying to me….”I can’t say anything about that”….as if he were hiding some secret that if I knew….I’d be on the run for the rest of my short life…and the assassins sent by Brunswick…would be going through my drawers…..wearing those little ear pieces with the curly cord that goes down their jackets…..wondering “why…..why is he so interested in bowling balls”….

bowling balls are made with urgency in mind….firstly the center core….the “Secret” part of a bowling ball is like the brain of the shiny plasticine sphere…..it has been developed to actually roll towards the pins when spun….how that works is a mystery to me….but now I can see why the secrecy begins to emerge…it is mixed with some….”Secrect Chemical”….that hardens in a matter of seconds….and has these very cool facets all over the “Secret Core”….the core is drilled….and placed into another mold…that looks somewhat like a cartoon bomb….another “High Priority Secret Substance”……is then poured into the mold with a catalyst that hardens faster than you can blink your eye….the plain white ball goes into yet another mold to be plasticized…again with a variety of “Secret Ingredients and Polymers”…..that only a few select people know…..kind of like the secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken….that only Colonel Sanders knew…but with bowling balls instead….the “Pre-Bowling Balls are ground down…..sanded to a certain finish and polished….and all of this in literally…a matter of moments…..now…here are 2 very interesting bits of trivia….about bowling balls…..

1. Bowling balls are not round…..I know….I still can’t believe that….. and
2. The higher the polish…..not get this….the less likely the ball responds to the “Secret Center”….hmmm….I stayed awake a few extra hours last night trying to figure that out….finally came to the conclusion…that the secret center is clearly a governmental tracking device…..and maybe all of the “Bowlers” know something the rest of us don’t…or they are being singled out for some deep secret….Black Ops research study…..

Now I realize that this may be of no interest to you what so ever…..but just think of the ice breaking conversation you now have in your arsenal of pick-up lines….granted bowling has to be a major part of the conversation and probably life as well….so if you’re not a bowler…be careful with information like this…..you may soon find yourself wearing some weird checkered double-knit shirts and khaki pants…..and a glove on one hand…..and having commitments every Tuesday night for the rest of your life…..and one bigger arm……and heaven forbid……..one of those….walk away looks…you know…when you throw the ball…and know long before it hits the pins…that it’s a strike….and you’re already sitting down drinking a light beer by the time the automatic scoring machine puts a big “X” on the page…….high fiving with your bros…..who are wearing equally weird checkered double-knit shirts and khaki pants…and you’re all wearing those really comfortable slippery shoes…..that are like the plastic covered couches….”that are for company”….but these are for bowling….and they never get worn outside…never!!!……….

I’m not a bowler…and not because I don’t like the game…I don’t…..really like the clothes or all of th body movements necessary to be a good bowler….it’s like you’re on the dance floor by yourself…developing some signature moves….. me I’d rather shoot the pins down with a pistol….I realize this is not bowling…..but it’s the closest…I’m going to get to it……

“It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he’s the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He’s got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.” Ernie McCraken (Kingpin)

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