446. November 27th…”The Act of God”…rule…I don’t think it applies to Pizza Delivery….

“Nightfly” 2010

“It is unthinkable for a Frenchman to arrive at middle age without having syphilis and the Cross of the Legion of Honor.” – Andre Gide

yesterday reminded me of the frenzy I’d spent when I owned a jewelry manufacturing business…finishing the final touches before shipping…polishing…bagging everything…inventory numbers…finally printing the sold inventory and off to the post office for the finale….one which has had me thinking since then…

the postal employee I happen to get by chance…always…. is rather disgruntal…very dissatisfied with his job…and strikes me as one of those people who would be unhappy no matter what the scenario…he has always complained when I go to his station…is abrupt…and sort of has this sense of power he wields over the postal patron…by following the verbal routine he has since he was a pup in the postal litter…but it is his job…and even if going to him is like a returning something to Wal-Mart the day after Christmas…he does know his stuff…

I wanted the box I was shipping to be delivered by today to Boulder Colorado…in other words…”Express Mail”…which I found out means really nothing other than a way of saying…”it is the faster method of guaranteed overnight delivery that the postal service does not guarantee”…..me being me…had a little trouble with the non-guaranteed….guarantee…..and as I reluctantly used the can opener to open this particular can of worms…the postal employee began telling me the historical…precedent that the USPS adopted based on the protocol of Federal Express and UPS…once that had been explained in excruciating detail…we moved on to insurance….”Yes” was my answer…”For 1200.00 dollars”…..this now opened the benefits of insurance based on those who mailed boxes that were insured during 9-11…and how the postal service had made it right by paying for all of those lost and destroyed boxes…the conversation now I thought was winding down…Nope…rather we were moving into his particular conspiracy theory about what was behind 9-11…he would look left then right…say something a bit subversive…back it up with some facts from popular mechanics…readers digest….or the more prestigious “Time” the magazine…he stopped…returned to his postal presence and asked if I needed stamps…and ask me to slide my debt card….I did…and made the error of saying..” this is a guaranteed Saturday delivery…right?”….Wrong…remember the UPS/Fed X conversation….

we now delved into the….”Reason” it could not be guaranteed….it is called:

“An Act of God”

something I didn’t realize was so influential in our postal system…an act of God is:

Act of God is a legal term for events outside of human control, such as sudden floods or other natural disasters, for which no one can be held responsible.

this got me very concerned….and my concern greatly hinged on the definition of….”Natural Disaster” and even more stuff….and exactly what is it…does it apply to elements that are man-made and affected by nature…or just exclusively natural occurring things….once solved to some comfortable degree…I couldn’t help say..”What if I don’t believe in God…how can an ‘Act of God’ then exist”…”I mean what if I believed in Buddha”….how does that change things around …his response was….” it only has to do with God….do you want cash back?”….

I suppose I could have argued this…ad infinitum yet the idea of the debate with a postal employee would have probably produced a supervisor…who in-turn would have given me an 800 number to call….and probably a form to fill out…while they were running a back ground check on me from the still photos they had taken…and were now planning a mail campaign that ensured I received nothing but Burpee Seed Catalogs…was enrolled in every mail order correspondence and taxidermy course available…all of the “Draw Bambi” art school programs….well you get what I mean…

this led me to realize…that Acts of God work both ways….I’m using this as the excuse  the next time I can’t make it to someone’s kids birthday party or graduation….”Sorry Milton…I really tried to get there but an….Act of God….happened”….that really should be enough…you know…really no further explanation…..oh and hey…Pizza Hut Delivery….don’t even think about that one….

“The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.” – Alan Coren

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6 thoughts on “446. November 27th…”The Act of God”…rule…I don’t think it applies to Pizza Delivery….

  1. HILARIOUS!! There is the strong dark flavorful aroma of the Afterlife woven into this post!! I fricking LOVE IT. The whole thing.

    Act of God is synonymous with the word~idea “compromise” because what they really mean is that someone more forceful is headed your way and when all is said and done, your going to limp away with a very VERY sore backside.

    Brilliant post, Robert! One of my favorites!!! I love the photo. It looks like a tornado to me, about to rip over a sea of diamonds.

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  2. Thank you Carmela…I was dumbfounded at the statement from the post office guy…and I think what alarmed me more was that he was as serious as a heart attack…when he said it…

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  3. Christopher the Second….A pleasure having you as a reader….and thank you for the elevation onto your favorites bar….much has changed since I last saw you skillfully….working your way out of a car seat…your father…has told me great things about you…you my friend keep on keeping on as well….

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