512. April 12th… It’s all in…. “The Work”

“Walking…” 2011

“I can’t imagine anything more worthwhile than doing what I most love. And they pay me for it. – Edgar Winter

So it all happened…some rematch I suppose…perhaps more a touch of fate with a little gin…and lemon… a bit of foreign corrspondence…some hoop jumping…very little explanation….as there was really no need for it…. and all was intact… became still again…somewhere between the agitation cycle…and the spin…but the calm smelled like the skin of a freshly peeled grapefruit…and I just knew it was going to last for a very…very long time…

our conversation drifted to a topic though nebulous…one of great concern..or  one that….should be…”The Work”…my statement “I’ve done all of the work up to this point” …and for the most part it is true…the arduous task of voluntarily skinning myself alive…redefining…the evils…the goods…the I wills and I won’ts…all of those places where the water keeps it moist much longer than anywhere else…yet it does…

and so some few decades fast forward…and I’m beginning to understand the concept of…”The Work”….”My Work”…what it takes….at least for now…what it feels like…at least for now…knowing that the initial expectation is generally always not even remotely close to what may appear…and what I thought was true is often not true at all…and knowing clearly the more emphasis I place on ridding myself of some unwanted facet of me…the more that facet attracts the light…Imagine that…

the word “Selfless”…is defined as…”having little or no concern for oneself“… while Selfish is…”devoted to or caring only for oneself“…both opposing…and neither really close to a medium…where it can be said… “I am selflessly selfish“….or …” I am selfishly selfless“…I’ve pondered the in between word…you know the one that sits dead center…that is exactly half of selfish and half of selfless…that same one that begins with “self”….as each of these extremes is and seems undesirable as a constant…selfish all the time…score ZERO….selfless all the time…still score ZERO…but people may like you better…so what…I think selfish creates the void…selfless fills the void….or maybe it’s the other way around…but the middle ground is where my appeal lies…as too much of anything…you know….

the task of “The Work”…though requires a selfish nature..as introspection dictates self…dive deep into self…swim in that pool for a little longer than a couple of hours on Saturday…to think a selfless exploration of self…almost sounds like a vacation without going anywhere…and that old work may just appear as a quicky in the afternoon when the kids aren’t home…that ain’t happening…

“The Work”..is a constant it just might be those few years that the emphasis is solely upon finding that current that works best…I believe it takes years to undo…redo…remake…reinstall…rebuild…trash it and put it back to a working place…where the discoveries far outweigh the knowns which are often deceptive habits that started the entire process to begin with…and maybe the process has a crown of thorns or maybe it’s a rope noose…a pot of boiling water…or the things that draw your knees to your chest…play the sickening movies all over again…the black ones we thought never really happened…faint of heart need not apply….

and once some place has been found…call it a stall…yet it never ceases…just rolls into a slow motion pattern with the heart rate of a hummingbird…still on the forefront…yet a repreve from all of the late nights…bundles of journals…hours of meditation…buckets of tears…bags of lighters that lit the few hundred candles that allowed a little more light to seep in…sleeplessness…hot baths…every detoxification diet on the planet…a few thousand dollars on massage and colonics…parboiled foods…Tai Chi…and the myriad of things that loosened the plaque from the inside of the soul….

the rest then comes easy…the price…paid in full…at least until the next time…not before some truth has emerged that shed enough light ahead of the path that lights it enough to move forward..perhaps whistle a little better…not care about certain things…and let those who used all the whips they had simply…fade away…disappear…we emerge clean…smooth…a clean heart to begin all over…

and maybe this time what was won’t  ever be…what is makes what will be even better…it’s nothing but green lights ahead…and driving with the headlights off on those full moon nights….

“A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” – James Joyce

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