521. May 9th… cogito ergo sum?…..or decipio ergo sum?…let’s ask Jimmy Swaggert…..OK?

“Old smoke…New mirrors” 2011

“A living thing seeks above all to discharge its strength – life itself is will to power; self-preservation is only one of the indirect and most frequent results.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

she asked me if they lost the paper…was it her fault…and who was to blame…I told her it wasn’t her fault…and I didn’t think anybody needed to be blamed…that seemed like a  senseless way of saying the same thing over a bunch of times…and hoping to feel good about the same answer…even when it felt poorly…she started to tear up a bit…she must’ve  been pretty sensitive…was my first thought…what she had forgiven them for…they had not done….and what they had done had been forgiven…in a small crack in the white paint way…

admitting takes a great deal of cojones…and generally the difficulties admitting…is telling the truth and almost always has to do with the “wrongs” we may have committed or the inaccuracies we allowed or perpetrated…or what we have decided someone else has done and needs to atone for….while admitting the things we do that fall under the “Right” column of the paper is quiet easy…we rarely admit we’re doing right…although we might remind people of all the right we are doing…as right is one of those things we never feel a need to apologize for..unless of course it’s doing something in the name of right…like…say…the “Spanish Inquisition”…or…”Ethnic Cleansing”…

Sometimes “our forward deception” is masked by one mask covering the next which is covering the next which is covering the next and so on…the perception of who we are is what we think we are…we might think we are forgiving…honest…trusting and honorable…and maybe we are exactly that to almost everybody we fool…I mean come in contact with…except those few people who have felt the sharp point of our lack of forgiveness…dishonesty…distrust and dishonorable acts and actions…we’ve all known someone…like this…and are like this to someone as well…yet each of them and each of us which is them…all have best friends that couldn’t say enough great things about us…so what’s the deal….

so makes me think that our perception of who we think we are is really how others perceive us to be…and we either meet that mark or we don’t…and we either try to be that person we’ve led them to believe we are or we don’t and all of the “buzz words” we’ve used to define who we think we are or more so who we think we want to be…are only believable if everybody around us see us doing the action associated with…you got it….the “buzz words….

we’ve all thought we were______________________and along with being________________ we also had all of these “wonderful” qualities: 1. ______ 2._____ 3._____ 4. _____ 5. _____ 6. _____ 7. _____ 8. _____ 9. _____ and 10._____ and never did we think we could be anything else…until after a few hours…days…months…years…decades…we became _________________ instead…with all of these “wonderful” qualities:1. ______ 2._____ 3._____ 4. _____ 5. _____ 6. _____ 7. _____ 8. _____ 9. _____ and…10._____ and within being both ___________________ and __________________ we also were very capable of displaying these “not so wonderful” qualities: 1. ______ 2._____ 3._____ 4. _____ 5. _____ 6. _____ 7. _____ 8. _____ 9. _____ and…10._____ I’ll call these qualities the…”Jimmy qualities”…we’ll get to those directly…

no doubt intention looks great on paper and maybe accomplishing 51% of the original intention illuminates the personal Buzz words…lights up the marquis enough to maintain a level of credibility that can be seen from a few blocks away…and maybe it doesn’t…it really is the action that speaks…and not most of the action…100% of the action is required…so in order to be and be with any believability we have to do…and do completely…consistently…continually…

I think of the Reverend Jimmy Swaggert…you know the Television Evangelist that got busted with a prostitute…he was busted by a fellow Evangelist (Marvin Gorman)…whom Jimmy had reported to the powers that be…had been involved in extramarital affairs…vengance was indeed Marvin’s…Jimmy televised his apology with…”I have sinned against You, my Lord, and I would ask that Your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God’s forgiveness.”…and most of the congregation saw Jimmy doing what he said (often called sleight of hand in some circles)   Jim was given the standard two-year suspension for sexual immorality…returned to the pulpit after 3 months…appeared not genuinely repentant..and was then defrocked…dethroned…and his credentials along with his ministerial license…were removed…Jimmy was resilient though…like bamboo…so he decided to become an independent…end of story…no not really…Jimmy was again arrested in 1991…for…that’s right…Solicitation of a ….you got it a…Prostitute…she must have been hot because when he was pulled over…he was driving on the…wrong side of the road…now busted twice…same offense…he’s now an independent…and the consequences are different…this is what he said to his congregation…rather than admitting anything….”The Lord told me it’s flat none of your business.“…now..how’s that for walking that talk of perception…

my point is simple Jimmy is not what buzz words Jimmy uses…he’s a television evangelist…who likes prostitutes…similar to a vegan who enjoys a good T-bone…every now and again…it just can’t be…

along with admitting…comes ownership…even more difficult…but owning it is much better than renting it…living a life of convenient resolution…makes it really easy to adopt new “Buzz words” when needed…drop them in place when the slots begin to empty….makes us more believable..or at least we think so…keeps us “Right”…and ensures we can perpetuate denial of who we are..what we are…what we’ve done and said…what we will do and say….and that fuzzy old thing called memory…because we can always defend it by…”The Lord told me it’s flat none of your business.

one thing for certain….there is a little Jimmy in all of us…

 “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease you can get yelled at for having” – Mitch Hedberg

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