535. June 9… ” Non-Agnosco”…Nan wants to be the mother of my children…and Mike Tyson knows what it’s like to be..a woman…


“La Madrugada” 2011

“My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.” – Cary Grant

I have this strange relationship with people who know me yet don’t acknowledge that they do…or act as if we’ve never had a conversation before…ever say hello to someone…firstly know clearly that it is someone you know…not just a stranger falling into the doppelgänger catagory…even though they could be the perfect match…and they look at you semi-blank…questioning…that maybe your hand waving and howdies are directed at the person who might be standing behind them…and there is always a universal…”Do I know you look“…then there is the familiarity  jog…”we met at the bondage seminar in Sioux City…remember?”…followed by either…”Right, right, right” then usually “and what was your name?“…or “No I don’t remember meeting you“…usually said with the head cocked a bit…lips tight…an eyebrow raised…looking slightly down somewhere between floor and wall…and either one is a little ackward….as the first scenario critically defines importance…and impact…obviously illustrating…questioning impression…while the total lack of recognition might begin the process of questioning yourself…as to if the event even took place and were you ever even in Sioux City…

I think these people were also probably the most popular kids in high school…you know the ones that everybody in the school signed their yearbook…including ..the women in the cafeteria…janitors…faculty and yourself of course…when you only knew them from a distance but did write…”Stay the cool guy you are, let’s get together over the summer”…while in some recess of your brain…you’re hoping Mr. Big will give you a call and you and a few of the boys will be popping the tops on some Lone Star Long Necks…at a desert bonfire and everything will be smooth….

I recently found my yearbook from 1974…the year I graduated…of the 3 comments in the book…one of them was from my crafts teacher Mrs. Webb…the other was from a girl named Nan…who wanted to be the mother of my children and had drawn hearts and flowers around her scribbled out photograph and the third was from my lab partner Rubin…who wrote….”To the guy who really ‘mest’ up my mind“…needless to say …popularity was not my strong suit…I was a dirt kicker…all the way around…

used to be I loved winter…then it shifted to a great love for summer…now…I’m not really certain which time of year I like best…I’ve been thinking of life  a great deal lately…which naturally includes everything that goes along with it which after some serious thinking I found there is far too much to think about…so I’ve started narrowing down what it is that I think is important…and rather than  long drawn out phrases…sentences..paragraphs…etc…I’ve opted for just one word…that I can add another word… later another and so on until…I do have a sentence…sort of like the box of small refrigerator magnets…for poetry or whatever….but this narrowed down to a few words…of course eliminating… “I” ..because I already know it’s me…”Want”…and again…I know this is about what I want…prepositions…verbs..all of that…gone!…so really it’s a box of refrigerator magnets…that fundementally all of the magnets have been stolen…but maybe 6…they’re blank and I get to write what I want on them…erase them when it no longer applies…what a great way to define life and of course living it……

I was asked recently what word would describe what it is I want…and want in everything…life love…art…food…all of it…my word after a few seconds was….”Quality”….

“La Madrugada”….has a few definitions…the one I like best is “that precise time between day and night“…that time is the magical time…it happens… twice each day….I do my very best to see it both times in a day…play in that space…that is not night…yet is also not day…I recall as a child…driving through the desert during la madrugada…I would actually feel the difference in time…a sensation of a quiet peace…a stillness that even though everything was moving it was not the same movement…everything was augmented…as well as reduced…there was a physiological sensation…a mild flutter in my belly…like a slower roller coaster..might produce….and for as quiet as it was every sound was accentuated…clear and precise…la madrugada…is that deep breath time…to take it all in…reflect and come to some terms…as it washes over you…

I don’t think about the people who know me…but don’t know me….I like to think I think a bit more complex than that….but I do wonder…what did Mrs. Webb mean…when she wrote Robert...”Lots of luck in the future you’re gong to need it“….I think she meant if I was going to run for say…president…be an astronaut…or a super hero….maybe a rodeo cowboy…

“I know how hard it is to be a woman, especially a black woman.” – Mike Tyson

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4 thoughts on “535. June 9… ” Non-Agnosco”…Nan wants to be the mother of my children…and Mike Tyson knows what it’s like to be..a woman…

  1. I used to love la madrugada…on the windward side…Lanikai beach…and that time …the magic was unreal…what is the word in Hawaiian..do you know?

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