January 24, 2013, Please don’t repeat yourself, Please don’t repeat yourself, Please don’t repeat yourself…

“Wandering” ©2011, Robert Redus

“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” – Albert Einstein

Today is really no different from any other day…but more different from any other day I will experience…as much as I love the riddle of living…I also like getting to the point…saying what need be said…getting it out there and over with…being able to say ….”NEXT”…closing one..opening another….scanning the fine print…seeing where it all goes….and hopefully not revisiting the same folder…

The ability to repeat one’s self…redo the process…is much like bulimia….Bulimia is an illness…typically defined by binge eating and purging…the old….in and out so to speak…when we repeat one of our processes….we take in what we clearly know to be something we think we know a great deal about….we then realize at some point (HOPEFULLY)…that there was a reason we opted out of this process and that reason was a good enough one to swear on a stack of bibles…needles in the eye…pinky swear…and  on dear old mom’s grave…to never repeat again….but we never see that until we are often right in the middle of saying…. “How the fuck did I get here…again”…and it may very well be the 5th time we’ve had this conversation….

Now it’s not stupidity….mind you that causes this….it’s this idea that doing the same thing over again with a slightly different approach is going to make all of the difference…(It’s maybe what you were forgetting the last time out)…it is also seeing what was and thinking what was is so much better than what can be….you know….the anticipation of death is far worse than death itself….but anyway…combine…“That back there is much better than this up here and what can be”….. with… “I just forgot to add the baking soda, and really, seriously…it would have been perfect”….sort of thinking…and you have the makings for the ideal bulimic life in every way…less the eating disorder…

My father was notorious for saying the last place he lived was the best place he lived…he could conjure up all of the great things about the place…shout all of the things that made it ideal…the perfect place…utopia…nirvana….heaven on earth….yet whisper the faults…his complaints…the people he couldn’t stand…everything about the place that aided in his decision of which moving company to call…..Mayflower or Bekins….and why you ask…simple:

HE CHOSE TO FORGET ABOUT ALL OF THE STUFF THAT DID NOT MAKE IT:

• ideal
• the perfect place
• utopia
• nirvana
• heaven on earth

AND FOCUS ON THE STUFF THAT MADE IT:

• ideal
• the perfect place
• utopia
• nirvana
• heaven on earth

And the flaw?????….clearly the flaw is as obvious as the problem….

We often think

1. I didn’t give it, him, her, them, us, there, those,  a chance
2. I really didn’t apply myself as much as I could have with it, him, her, them, us, there, those
3. There is opportunity with it, him, her, them, us, there, those,  I just overlooked it
4. I’m going to really make it different with me, it, him, her, them, us, there, those
5. I will ________and__________and_______and_______and______to make it work…this time
6. I just didn’t try with it, him, her, them, us, there, those
7. I know how good it, him, her, them, us, there, those,…is/are

“There” might be geography…place…living….relationship….love…job….blah blah blah….well here is my bit of advice and my personal mantra these days:

“If I am not doing what I want to be doing where I am, I will not do it where I am going”

every time/anytime  I say out loud…because I do talk out loud a great deal to myself:

“when I get _______. I am going to open up a trout ranch”…I then ask myself, (again out loud)…. “Are you actively pursuing your ‘Trout Ranch’ right here and now?”….and it’s pretty simple…if the answer is “Yes, as a matter of fact I am and in a big way”obviously trout ranching is a big part of my life and it’s something I will continue to pursue with fervor….yet if I answer, “No, I’m not really involved in ‘Trout Ranching’ just yet.”…that in-turn…leads to another question…which is….“Are you blowing smoke out of your ass or is ‘Trout Ranching” really important?” If YES to the smoke from my ass question, I won’t do it anyway and it is a distraction…I spit say a few made up incantations….and it is gone…no more smoke…while if YES it is important…time for the old BEN FRANKLIN ‘T’….basically dividing a piece of paper in half…..write  Pros to Trout Farming in 1 column and the Cons to Trout Farming in the other…over a couple of days write the pros and cons down….a few weighting decisions and by weeks end…I have an answer….I will or will not be a trout farmer… taadaa……

so live how you want…repeat as often as you want….but…..each time you cry  for what you’ve already cried over…before…it seems kind of like a waste of good tears…cry over something new…big…enormous…monumental….something that could really affect you in a big way…just as long as it doesn’t have “Felony” attached to it….

“History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living.”