January 24, 2013, Please don’t repeat yourself, Please don’t repeat yourself, Please don’t repeat yourself…

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

wandering

“Wandering” ©2011, Robert Redus

“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” – Albert Einstein

Today is really no different from any other day…but more different from any other day I will experience…as much as I love the riddle of living…I also like getting to the point…saying what need be said…getting it out there and over with…being able to say ….”NEXT”…closing one..opening another….scanning the fine print…seeing where it all goes….and hopefully not revisiting the same folder…

The ability to repeat one’s self…redo the process…is much like bulimia….Bulimia is an illness…typically defined by binge eating and purging…the old….in and out so to speak…when we repeat one of our processes….we take in what we clearly know to be something we think we know a great deal about….we then realize at some point (HOPEFULLY)…that there was a reason we opted out of this process and that reason was a good enough one to swear on a stack of bibles…needles in the eye…pinky swear…and  on dear old mom’s grave…to never repeat again….but we never see that until we are often right in the middle of saying…. “How the fuck did I get here…again”…and it may very well be the 5th time we’ve had this conversation….

Now it’s not stupidity….mind you that causes this….it’s this idea that doing the same thing over again with a slightly different approach is going to make all of the difference…(It’s maybe what you were forgetting the last time out)…it is also seeing what was and thinking what was is so much better than what can be….you know….the anticipation of death is far worse than death itself….but anyway…combine…“That back there is much better than this up here and what can be”….. with… “I just forgot to add the baking soda, and really, seriously…it would have been perfect”….sort of thinking…and you have the makings for the ideal bulimic life in every way…less the eating disorder…

My father was notorious for saying the last place he lived was the best place he lived…he could conjure up all of the great things about the place…shout all of the things that made it ideal…the perfect place…utopia…nirvana….heaven on earth….yet whisper the faults…his complaints…the people he couldn’t stand…everything about the place that aided in his decision of which moving company to call…..Mayflower or Bekins….and why you ask…simple:

HE CHOSE TO FORGET ABOUT ALL OF THE STUFF THAT DID NOT MAKE IT:

  • ideal
  • the perfect place
  • utopia
  • nirvana
  • heaven on earth

AND FOCUS ON THE STUFF THAT MADE IT:

  • ideal
  • the perfect place
  • utopia
  • nirvana
  • heaven on earth

And the flaw?????….clearly the flaw is as obvious as the problem….

We often think

  1. I didn’t give it, him, her, them, us, there, those,  a chance
  2. I really didn’t apply myself as much as I could have with it, him, her, them, us, there, those
  3. There is opportunity with it, him, her, them, us, there, those,  I just overlooked it
  4. I’m going to really make it different with me, it, him, her, them, us, there, those
  5. I will ________and__________and_______and_______and______to make it work…this time
  6. I just didn’t try with it, him, her, them, us, there, those
  7. I know how good it, him, her, them, us, there, those,…is/are

“There” might be geography…place…living….relationship….love…job….blah blah blah….well here is my bit of advice and my personal mantra these days:

“If I am not doing what I want to be doing where I am, I will not do it where I am going”

every time/anytime  I say out loud…because I do talk out loud a great deal to myself:

“when I get _______. I am going to open up a trout ranch”…I then ask myself, (again out loud)…. “Are you actively pursuing your ‘Trout Ranch’ right here and now?”….and it’s pretty simple…if the answer is “Yes, as a matter of fact I am and in a big way”obviously trout ranching is a big part of my life and it’s something I will continue to pursue with fervor….yet if I answer, “No, I’m not really involved in ‘Trout Ranching’ just yet.”…that in-turn…leads to another question…which is….“Are you blowing smoke out of your ass or is ‘Trout Ranching” really important?” If YES to the smoke from my ass question, I won’t do it anyway and it is a distraction…I spit say a few made up incantations….and it is gone…no more smoke…while if YES it is important…time for the old BEN FRANKLIN ‘T’….basically dividing a piece of paper in half…..write  Pros to Trout Farming in 1 column and the Cons to Trout Farming in the other…over a couple of days write the pros and cons down….a few weighting decisions and by weeks end…I have an answer….I will or will not be a trout farmer… taadaa……

so live how you want…repeat as often as you want….but…..each time you cry  for what you’ve already cried over…before…it seems kind of like a waste of good tears…cry over something new…big…enormous…monumental….something that could really affect you in a big way…just as long as it doesn’t have “Felony” attached to it….

“History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living.”

January 16th, 2013….Reality check…exceptionally exceptional, exceptionally exceptional excep. It will be Next weekend…just watch…

From the MInd of the Manic

damien_hirst_dots_gagosian

Damien Hirst, Dot paintings, or is it a Twister Game Board?

“The happiness of most people is not ruined by great catastrophes or fatal errors, but by the repetition of slowly destructive little things.”

Albert Einstein is said to have defined insanity as, “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I have a degree in this…probably a Masters if not a PhD…and chances are most of you do as well….Today is going to be filled with quotes it appears….Charles Osgood said, “There is no exception to the rule that everyone wants to be the exception to the rule”…and yes I am as guilty of this as you are…and last but not least…the ever profound Mike Tyson said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face”…I too have had incredible plans…plans that were foolproof until…I was figuratively punched in the face…even had a few literal punches…my point is pretty clear…or at least I hope it is…

If you think you are not delusional….think again….your plans, ideas, all of the bullshit you/me/everybody keeps locked up waiting until the magic mushrooms  take effect…and when they do…out comes the rabbit from the hat…your ideas and plans bloom like a tomato plant laced with Miracle Grow…and before long you can make 3 gallons of pasta sauce with 1/2 of a tomato…and it works…and everything is good….the masses are fed…you’ve increased a few hat sizes….you are better looking…exceptional…..and it’s time to move onto the next project…yes indeed….Mr. exceptional….

We all do the same thing repeatedly and expect different results…we either want to be or believe we already are the exception…and our plan is so dynamic and doable… so foolproof…flawless….bob and weave…stick and move……until those 4 knuckles spread our noses to the left side of our faces….like warm cream cheese on a bagel….

I spent all last summer at the Tesuque Flea Market…once the flagship for flea markets across the country…so much so that people were making $15,000.00 a weekend selling anything and everything…artists were discovered there….celebrities flocked to the acres of tents…the jewels were just waiting to be picked from the vines…it was the western version of Andy Warhol’s Factory….

another saying that we’ll attribute to the author….anonymous….“That was then and this is now” …the market now is much like something the state would send first time DWI offenders there to do community service…or maybe a remote penal colony….it is bleak…windy…hot…delusional….and filled with remnants of the “THEN”….many people there now were there during the heyday…and they will tell you about it….The part I enjoyed the most was the predictability of Next Week and the Next Week and the following week…….I spent from March to September hearing:

  • “Next weekend is always the best weekend of April”
  • “This weekend should have been better, but the ___________was going on in Santa Fe”
  • “The first of May it gets so busy you can’t sit down”
  • “June, July and August are the best, tourists season”
  • “Just wait until next weekend”
  • “Saturday will be slow, but Sunday, is going to be really busy”

The process was always waiting for NEXT WEEK and accepting that the $100 a day in sales….were just the tip of the iceberg…Next week was going to kick some serious ass….you just wait and see….

next week never came…there was not a “Season”…and my repetitive delusion of being  the exception was only shattered by an incredible left hook right combination to my face….Thank you…thank you…..thank you…..

Anxiety is derived from one of 2 things being focused on the past or on the future….there is one thing worse than uncertain anticipation and that is morbid reflection and one thing worse than morbid reflection….take a guess what that might be…..

I read a brilliant article in Forbes today about business…something I could always be more savvy in….the truth of the matter is well placed in the 2nd to the last paragraph….

“Remember to be honest with yourself, and while you might paint a rosy picture publicly, never buy your own B.S.”

….that has to be the smartest thing I’ve heard in a long time…because so often our own B.S. will become our reality…so we’re living knee-deep in our BS…wondering why it just ain’t working like we planned….and here we are the same schlub just with a crew cut and maybe a new set of teeth….

There is hope though….having receptivity is like going to a dance without a date but knowing you’re going to dance all night…even if it’s by yourself…. wish I’d have gotten that earlier in life….instead I stood  against the wall at the Holiday Dance Club dances…wearing a paisley Apache Tie,  bell bottom pants that could cover a small poodle, brut cologne and enough clearasil to patch ever dent in an older automobile….

Receptivity means…“having the quality of receiving, taking in, or admitting.” something based on the Einstein, Osgood Tyson dilemma…( that sound so real, sort of economic in nature….The EOT Dilemma…wow!, I’m on to something…)

Junkies, alcoholics, addicts of any kind usually have to admit the problem exists in order  to address the problem that exists…and once that hurdle has been overcome…a process begins….an end result will either be success or failure based on the ever elusive now….the work that has gone into address the problem and the ability too of staying power….

So my summed up points in all of this are simple: Please….Say this out loud….and a bunch of times….

  • I can fool myself easier than I can fool anybody else
  • Once fooled it might take me awhile to know I fooled myself then it might take a while longer to admit I fooled myself
  • Nothing is as it ever was, nor will it ever be
  • Anticipation of the future based on a poor model…one littered with poor planning…repetitive failures and just plain bad juju will always produce  horrid results
  • Now is the most important moment I have
  • The “EOT Dilemma” is real and it applies to Me
  • Live in Bull Shit or don’t
  • If my reality and my bullshit are the same…I really need a major adjustment…and quickly

here’s a little BS for you………

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

 

593. February 13, 2012……..Manifesto…Can’t live with…can’t live without them….

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

"G" Marks the Spot and the Edge", ©2012, Robert Redus

“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg

The word… “Manifesto” is defined as… “a public declaration of intent, policy, aims, etc, as issued by a political party, government, or movement” … I dare say “Person” was omitted…by accident….some say the Communist Manifesto is the “Most Famous of manifestos….but that’s like saying Pistachio Almond Fudge is the “Best” flavor at Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors…

Here are 15 brilliant manifestos…and I have to agree with Geoff McDonald…that the movie “Easy Rider“…is clearly in the top 10 of modern day manifestos….not to mention the Panhead ….Dennis Hopper is riding is really a sweet bike…

back to the manifesto thing…manifestos are a mental colonic…a way of purging all of the completely unnecessary stuff that has collected in your brain since the last…mind flush…or a lifetime of dis-information….writing a manifesto can be a long drive in a really small car with no air conditioning across Nevada in July or 1st class…you decide…which really is true about everything….we decide….

I’m starting on a manifesto today…earth shattering…probably not…but for me it will shake the ground I walk on…and that counts for something….

Let me know how yours come out….

“Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.” – Albert Einstein

585. January 6, 2012…Louisiana Pancake Batfish really do make good pets…

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

"New Jacket #1" ©2012 Robert Redus

"New Jacket #2" ©2012 Robert Redus

“I am a deeply religious nonbeliever – this is a somewhat new kind of religion.” – Albert Einstein

2 New Elements have been added to the  Periodic Table…their proposed names are…flerovium (atomic symbol Fl) and livermorium (atomic symbol Lv)…are up for debate…the interesting thing about both of these elements is each is created in a lab…not naturally occurring…

so a couple of  questions arise here on the high desert at 6:04 am…if it can be made is it an element or an invention? and secondly what does “New” really mean?….

that brings me to the top ten “New” species discovered in 2011…and of the 10…my favorite is the…Louisiana Pancake Batfish only because I like the name much more than the other 9 and “Pancake Batfish has a rather superhero sound to it….nevertheless….what is thought to be new may not necessarily be new…and chances are…it is not…

the highlight of both of my cat’s day is a spoonful of wet food in their bowl each and every morning…outside of that…their excitement level remains pretty flat line…boring and really nothing new happens for the most part…of course with the exception of a noise that may sound new yet is passe in a matter of seconds…becomes old business and falls into the memory category…if that…and they go on about their day in complete oblivion to the new elements…species…technology…blah…blah…blah…

I am still very much amazed at new discoveries…and simple ones at that…latest…folders for my I Phone…my buddy showed me that process and I’m downloading apps just to file them away…

I awakened this morning at 4:19…thinking of everything there is to think about…I must admit at the top of my list was the concept and thinking about “New”…the entire notion that…was…the  “New World”… New… certainly New York was not the Newest version of York…and did New Math spring from the loins of…Old Math…and I get… “New Born”…vs…Old Born given there is an Old Born

New oozes the idea that change has occurred…the old version was somehow lacking while the update has a few more bells and whistles…maybe a different look but it’s still basically the same…perhaps a bit more difficult to look at from the big picture…and maybe the changes that made it easier…more user friendly…more efficient….effective…prettier…smaller…sleeker…more colorful…available…have also made the essence less of the essence…

who knows….maybe subjecting the Louisiana Pancake Batfish to just the right amount of flerovium  and livermorium might very well produce a new Louisiana Pancake Batfish species….

“Existence precedes and rules essence.” – Jean Paul Sartre

502. March 9th…Liberace had Limerence…or maybe Limerence had Liberace…kind of chicken or the egg thinking…

Art and my thoughts about being an artist, Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Wednesday’s Thinking” 2011

Limerence: “The conscious mind hungers for money and success, but the unconscious mind hungers for those moments of transcendence when the skull line falls away and we are lost in love for another, the challenge of a task or the love of God. Some people seem to experience this drive more powerfully than others.”

I was a crossing guard at St. Clement’s Parish School…wore a bright orange…belt with a shoulder strap…and held a sign that had written in bold red letters…”STOP“…I could blow the whistle in the event of some heinous infraction….but there was never any danger…as the cars had already stopped by the time I would step out in front of them…let me fellow uniform clad…parochial school geeks…make their way to mom’s…brand new Lincoln Continental…but I had power…limited power…but nonetheless…power…I literally controlled people’s movement for about 20 minutes…a few times a month…god was it great….

crossing guards…are like 85-year-old security guards…really the only way they can stop anyone from doing anything is…by shooting them….which won’t happen…but they have this fictitious power…and maybe 65 years ago he could kick your ass…so badly it would take months to figure out how to put it back on…but now….nothings going to happen other than maybe an intellectual beating…maybe…I remember an elder security guard responded once to my question asking directions by…sticking his tongue out at me and giving me the raspberry noise…I guess he forgot his hearing aid that day…or misunderstood “where is Funston and 9th” as..”look…funny man..I’ve got a knife”….

I’m no longer writing everyday as I have for many years….I’ve opted for every other day…the days in between I’m painting 3-5 small paintings on paper….sort of like starting smoking all over again…getting back into the habit…one little painting at a time…I like reflecting back over the year and seeing a few hundred small paintings…where they started…what happened along the way..what new habits I might have developed and how I’m seeing things a little differently…not to mention I have Christmas…birthdays…anniversaries…almost every gift giving occasion covered…

I really feel it necessary to do something everyday…something that makes my hand  translate what my mind sees…as so often there is a connection…yet something doesn’t fire right or touch ends perfectly so the idea mutates before it leaves the fingertips…reveals itself…I’m thinking the more the hand follows the brain…the easier the hieroglyphics begin to become understood…and the more that happens… that’s when  the real stuff emerges…

the other day while taking a walk…my father and a bunch of his friends…landed in a large cottonwood tree…and began making a great deal of noise…there was something in it…that I needed to hear…pass it from hand to hand…juggle it with a couple of Christmas ornaments…then blow it out of my hands like a tuft of down…it’s these experiences that remind me more than anything I am very much alive…and owe a great deal for that place my feet rest at any given time of the day…not to mention have a responsibility to myself to make this trip…undeniablly one worth the fare…

so this all lead me to minimizing my everything…taking it down to its basic elements…and clearly defining what glasses are half empty as opposed to those that are half full…and just because the level is the same…certainly does not mean they are the same…for me it is always a  1…2…3…turn…type process…as I know there is a great deal more between 1…and…2…just as there is between 2 and three…but it’s very easy to glaze over that like getting to the destination…with no recollection of the trip there…

maybe it’s flashcard…that might be the secret…mobile….spur of the moment flash cards…I’ve often thought of carrying a large writing pad in my car to write messages  to show the other people I’m sharing traffic with…you know things like “Look Up“…or ‘There’s something going ON…what do you think?”…maybe…”The end is near…pack light“…or “Does this shirt make me look fat?“…or…”Are you new at this?”…one of my many favorites…. “Did you just fart?” …I realize these could get very existential…long and drawn out for a brief encounter…with really no end in sight…but it’s better than fist shaking…and flipping people off…maybe they’ll smile more….

my friend Bob once…suggested I always pay for the person behind me on a toll bridge…and I have since 1997…it’s just like flashcards…keeps them wondering….

“When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.” – Albert Einstein

 

 

486. February 5th… “Distractions”…live tonight…7pm… Five Dollars buys you all you can carry.

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Ten” 2011

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.” – Albert Einstein

all of the Jesus photos undulating in the candle light movement…they all continued to stare…the same dead…peaceful gaze….. a pair of black fish net stockings had covered… some of them….they didn’t really care what I was doing….didn’t care if I was saved….or heading that direction…they were reminders….Wendy was only Wendy…I was only me…we were here for the same reason….just on different ends of the rope”…

another day of “hands in the air” living…while my quiet demon sings…”The Power of Lust“…repeatedly in my brain…maybe a new reminder…I don’t know…perhaps something I should pay a little more attention to…

Blaise Pascal wrote…. “All of man’s misfortune comes from one thing, which is not knowing how to sit quietly in a room”…and I agree…I especially like his ideas on diversion and our “Hopeless condition“…I chew them a great deal more than anything else…

distraction is that wonderful pulling force…that thing that may lead to water or not…yet takes us away from where we were…I mediate everyday…and initially…meditation was nothing more than closing my eyes…breathing deeply and basically thinking of everything I’d been thinking about when my eyes were open and I wasn’t breathing deeply…infused with distraction…thoughts that just couldn’t wait…sitting there breathing…trying to expand myself was futile it seemed…I mean what was the point…I could be driving and doing the exact same thing …right?

it was accumulative…like anything that we choose to make a part of ourselves…the more we do it the more it becomes a natural process…something that is part of the ritual…H.I. McDunnough…was really good at petty robbery of convenience store…surely because he practiced…while his distraction was the straight and narrow…raising a family…and a wife who was in law enforcement…he also knew the tools of his trade well enough to avoid the long sentences….

the inability to sit quietly in a room and distraction are like conjoined twins…because distraction is such an enormous force in life…it is difficult to separate the time for quiet and the time for dealing with a file folder of distraction…as we mostly live the distraction…

a nutritionist I know once told me to take one day out of the week and fast…just water…maybe diluted juice….to give my digestive system a vacation…from all of the business at hand…I did that for a few years and found I felt better…my system seemed to like the vacation and all was working well…between digestion and me… and it made sense…to take a break…

I’m finding that it is… “Time” again…for a vacation…from my distractions…it’s time for some new ones…that are a new delicacy…ones with different tastes and flavors…some that look like the bicycle I had when I was a kid….or that are different shades of blue…or smell like freesia…with the footwork of a good Tango…

“It is only at the first encounter that a face makes its full impression on us.” – Arthur Schopenhaur


 

458. December 17th… “There” really does require “Here” first…unless of course you’re already “There”…then “Here is…old business and well…good for you…

Writings from the "Cuff'

“Nightmare#15” 2010

“If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.”  Albert Einstein

it snowed last night…as usual…the city was at a standstill…until a 2 hour delay on life was lifted…quite incredible….but this is the way it is here in the high desert….

the desert is such a unique place…unlike anything else…there is truly something about sitting in the middle of nowhere…staring into the middle of nowhere a hundred miles away…and nothing is moving …the vacancy…stillness and utter quiet is sometimes a bit overwhelming…yet has a peaceful quality amidst the harshness and unforgiving nature of the landscape…many times driving on the back roads…I’ve come across the remnants of an old stone and adobe house….and wondered..why they stopped here….what was it about this particular place that said “This is it”…

and I think it is really about finding some spot and in some cases any spot to put it all down…make a place for ourselves…something that has a familiarity but offers enough of a mystery to keep it all rolling in some direction…

I know for me lately the question has arisen…”is there more than this”…instantly followed by the statement…”There has to be more than this”..and somedays..”This” is as clear as crystal…while other days…I’m look at a solid black stone…wondering why the discrepency…the change in vision…I think it all has to do with arrival points…places that taking a deep breath is possible….a place where time is available to plan it out to some degree…make some decisions that don’t necessarily have a great deal of adhesive to them….but enough…so  they become the life line…for a few seconds until a better grip is fixed…the process continued…

I was discussing with a friend the “why” people don’t go get what they want…and I’d love to find some statistic of those who are truly doing what they want to be doing and those who are not…sure there are a myriad of reason…excuses…etc that can fill the blank so somehow the meal becomes digestable….perhaps even tasty…but what stops…stalls…never starts…the process…and instead the settling becomes the process of living…that great reason for waking up in the morning to watch the exact same movie all over again…

maybe we just don’t know what we want to be doing…and that’s the problem…perhaps all of this minutia…is the building of the enlightened…the foundational element that one day we stand atop a giant mound of what was us…candy wrappers…blood pressure meds…the 7,300 empty bottle of gin…discarded trojans …Ford hubcaps….the spirit of those who didn’t make it this far….on the journey…all of the wonder dogs and cats named Rex and Stinger…films of every thing we did…all of the bad ideas…the doors that we pulled when we should have been pushing…a photograph of every slice of pizza we ever ate….and a book of lies we told…there at summit…it all makes sense…and the new pile begins…the one that starts making up for it all…and we know…

so perhaps this is optional..,keep it simple…reasonable and as truthful as possible…and storming the garrison…doesn’t require big ladders…just a slight step over the wall…no plastic surgery is required…love lifts your wings…staying out of the bad places has never been easier…the manual is in big print…and all of  Lao Tzu make sense…the first read…….

“It seems, in fact, as though the second half of a man’s life is made up of nothing, but the habits he has accumulated during the first half.”  Fyodor Dostoevsky

 

427. October 4th….. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh’s” ok…….with a parachute…..

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Black and Painted hands” 2010

“I used to go away for weeks in a state of confusion.” – Albert Einstein

there are those moments in my life…that are becoming more prevelant…they are the….”Ahhh moments”…not to be confused with the “Aha moments”…as the “Ahhh moments” follow the “Aha moments”…

an “Aha moment” is a moment of temporarily knowing something so clearly and precise that is defining….a moment when the world in which I live…tips on its axis and all is going to change in a big way …and I know I am ready for it….welcome it…dive into it like a pool filled with pudding and I have an enormous spoon in my left hand….an “Ahhh moment”……is that time shortly after the “Aha moment”…..has set it’s teeth into my neck like a vampire….with rubber teeth….one where I can sit in some relaxing postion…feet up…hands clasped behind my head……inhale deeply and “Ahhh” escapes on my exhale…somewhat of a sigh of relief moment….knowing the “Aha moment”…clearly made sense…the direction on the compass is accurate…..and even though I may not understand the everything about how I arrived at this place…..

I also don’t understand how electricity works…or how someone however many years ago decided…based on the smell…that cheese was edible……and I don’t understand….how….a dog became a dog…..or how someone gets cancer…..or why they’re called “Taco shells” and not “Taco holders”…..that kind of stuff….so at that juncture of  confusion  in my…”Ahhh” moments…the confusion becomes pretty benign…..while the ice-cold shower of awareness…..really says a lot more than cold water…..

I think “Ahhh” moments are the result of decisions…..rather than the result of ideas….when a decision has been made….all of the…secret handshakes…a few drops of blood and the signed deal with whatever spiritual entity the deal was made with…(if it was)….completed…..rather an idea is thinking about doing something…maybe like thinking about getting a “Box turtle” instead of being there at the pet store 15 minutes before the doors open on Monday morning with your list of box turtle supplies for Abner’s (Turtles name)……new home…..at your your house….

not all ideas and moments are necessarily …”Aha” ideas or moments…by attaching additional a’s to the end of “Aha”….the word becomes….”Ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”…. which is usually the sound seconds before someone is going over the cliff edge…..careening off of the road…..or applying hard pressure to a wound…..so I guess I’m saying….”Aha moments require a first few dates sort of mentality before installing them…..sort of like trying them on for a little while to see if they really fit or you just want them to fit…..no matter what…..

I am discovering….the effortless is usually what causes my…. “Ahhh moments”…. to surface….trying too hard or thinking too much about anything….I find I spend too much time counting toothpicks…..memorizing…..lyrics to songs I don’t care for…..trying on clothes I’m never going to where…or dreaming of careers….I don’t really want to pursue….

I’m calling it the “Easy stuff”…….that makes me say “Ahhh”……that stuff that falls into my hands………….like a foul ball into the left field……bleachers….seat #6…..row #6……..

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” – Thornton Wilder

420. September 27th….The Old Dogs….well…they’re the ones with all of the new tricks…..you just have to be willing to wait…awhile….

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Old Dog, New Tricks” 2010

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

proving something may often not be the part of it all that really has anything that matters…once it has been revealed….the proof is much like a used tissue….it is the activity around the tissue prior too…..that took it from one thing to another…..and what matters is….it is……still a tissue…

proof is nothing more than a stationary rock in the water….while the decision to do something is the water flowing around the rock….moving past it in time….I think we really need to see what it is that has been proven…and maybe we have proven it too ourselves…or seen the proof else where…but once that light has been turned on…there really is no going back….unless of course you’re willing to knock yourself unconscious with a hammer every time something arises that tips conciousness over like a cup full of hot coffee….into your lap….

I proved some things to myself over the past few days….some are good….and some are not….the good ones…I’ll continue making my quilt with…..the ones that are not good….will need to be spit from my mouth…..and discarded…..and since I know them…and know them well….the disguise will never work…..nor will I accept that mode of thinking again….

what I found interesting is the….why…..part of good qualities as well as bad qualities….good qualities…seem to be effortless……they are the things I do without thought…that begin with a good intention…therefore produce a good result…and within the delivery is somewhat of an area that is of no concern….no fear…no thoughts of rejection or judgement….just a place….that real is real…and the recipient of the intent…..makes their choice…and that choice is equitable no matter what their decesion….it is about someone else……and every time I do that….I feel like I am stronger…more complete….more genuine….

on the flip side of that….the…why….of bad qualities are often disguised…they take work and preparation to install….and it might just be seconds to install but nevertheless…..the process often leads with anticipation….and expectations….wanting something before I’m willing to give something else up….really no desires…more demands that have been prepped to look like a desire….having attachment to the outcome……and wanting the recipient to either see it my way…or hear it my way….but either way it appears to be my way….when I do this…I am often afraid…fearful I will reveal my weakness….I am concerned about being judged….I am fragmented…and negative….incomplete and grasping for what I can hold….with little concern….of what I’m gripping….

I know my life is filled with opportunity and often these circumstances just bring open hands….and  a…..”It’s up to you” mentality…..but the more I chose the direction that works on making me a better me…..that becomes the process….of making the process less of a process….and more of a well lite space…..one that is easier to negotiate…full of more and full of less…..where the rocks are smooth…..and the trecherous…..is really only temporary…..and of a short time…..and everything is clean heart…clean…….

“With your magic…I think you just might charm the birds out of the sky” – Sade