January 16th, 2013….Reality check…exceptionally exceptional, exceptionally exceptional excep. It will be Next weekend…just watch…

From the MInd of the Manic

damien_hirst_dots_gagosian

Damien Hirst, Dot paintings, or is it a Twister Game Board?

“The happiness of most people is not ruined by great catastrophes or fatal errors, but by the repetition of slowly destructive little things.”

Albert Einstein is said to have defined insanity as, “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I have a degree in this…probably a Masters if not a PhD…and chances are most of you do as well….Today is going to be filled with quotes it appears….Charles Osgood said, “There is no exception to the rule that everyone wants to be the exception to the rule”…and yes I am as guilty of this as you are…and last but not least…the ever profound Mike Tyson said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face”…I too have had incredible plans…plans that were foolproof until…I was figuratively punched in the face…even had a few literal punches…my point is pretty clear…or at least I hope it is…

If you think you are not delusional….think again….your plans, ideas, all of the bullshit you/me/everybody keeps locked up waiting until the magic mushrooms  take effect…and when they do…out comes the rabbit from the hat…your ideas and plans bloom like a tomato plant laced with Miracle Grow…and before long you can make 3 gallons of pasta sauce with 1/2 of a tomato…and it works…and everything is good….the masses are fed…you’ve increased a few hat sizes….you are better looking…exceptional…..and it’s time to move onto the next project…yes indeed….Mr. exceptional….

We all do the same thing repeatedly and expect different results…we either want to be or believe we already are the exception…and our plan is so dynamic and doable… so foolproof…flawless….bob and weave…stick and move……until those 4 knuckles spread our noses to the left side of our faces….like warm cream cheese on a bagel….

I spent all last summer at the Tesuque Flea Market…once the flagship for flea markets across the country…so much so that people were making $15,000.00 a weekend selling anything and everything…artists were discovered there….celebrities flocked to the acres of tents…the jewels were just waiting to be picked from the vines…it was the western version of Andy Warhol’s Factory….

another saying that we’ll attribute to the author….anonymous….“That was then and this is now” …the market now is much like something the state would send first time DWI offenders there to do community service…or maybe a remote penal colony….it is bleak…windy…hot…delusional….and filled with remnants of the “THEN”….many people there now were there during the heyday…and they will tell you about it….The part I enjoyed the most was the predictability of Next Week and the Next Week and the following week…….I spent from March to September hearing:

  • “Next weekend is always the best weekend of April”
  • “This weekend should have been better, but the ___________was going on in Santa Fe”
  • “The first of May it gets so busy you can’t sit down”
  • “June, July and August are the best, tourists season”
  • “Just wait until next weekend”
  • “Saturday will be slow, but Sunday, is going to be really busy”

The process was always waiting for NEXT WEEK and accepting that the $100 a day in sales….were just the tip of the iceberg…Next week was going to kick some serious ass….you just wait and see….

next week never came…there was not a “Season”…and my repetitive delusion of being  the exception was only shattered by an incredible left hook right combination to my face….Thank you…thank you…..thank you…..

Anxiety is derived from one of 2 things being focused on the past or on the future….there is one thing worse than uncertain anticipation and that is morbid reflection and one thing worse than morbid reflection….take a guess what that might be…..

I read a brilliant article in Forbes today about business…something I could always be more savvy in….the truth of the matter is well placed in the 2nd to the last paragraph….

“Remember to be honest with yourself, and while you might paint a rosy picture publicly, never buy your own B.S.”

….that has to be the smartest thing I’ve heard in a long time…because so often our own B.S. will become our reality…so we’re living knee-deep in our BS…wondering why it just ain’t working like we planned….and here we are the same schlub just with a crew cut and maybe a new set of teeth….

There is hope though….having receptivity is like going to a dance without a date but knowing you’re going to dance all night…even if it’s by yourself…. wish I’d have gotten that earlier in life….instead I stood  against the wall at the Holiday Dance Club dances…wearing a paisley Apache Tie,  bell bottom pants that could cover a small poodle, brut cologne and enough clearasil to patch ever dent in an older automobile….

Receptivity means…“having the quality of receiving, taking in, or admitting.” something based on the Einstein, Osgood Tyson dilemma…( that sound so real, sort of economic in nature….The EOT Dilemma…wow!, I’m on to something…)

Junkies, alcoholics, addicts of any kind usually have to admit the problem exists in order  to address the problem that exists…and once that hurdle has been overcome…a process begins….an end result will either be success or failure based on the ever elusive now….the work that has gone into address the problem and the ability too of staying power….

So my summed up points in all of this are simple: Please….Say this out loud….and a bunch of times….

  • I can fool myself easier than I can fool anybody else
  • Once fooled it might take me awhile to know I fooled myself then it might take a while longer to admit I fooled myself
  • Nothing is as it ever was, nor will it ever be
  • Anticipation of the future based on a poor model…one littered with poor planning…repetitive failures and just plain bad juju will always produce  horrid results
  • Now is the most important moment I have
  • The “EOT Dilemma” is real and it applies to Me
  • Live in Bull Shit or don’t
  • If my reality and my bullshit are the same…I really need a major adjustment…and quickly

here’s a little BS for you………

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

 

535. June 9… ” Non-Agnosco”…Nan wants to be the mother of my children…and Mike Tyson knows what it’s like to be..a woman…

Thoughts from the "Tinman"


“La Madrugada” 2011

“My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.” – Cary Grant

I have this strange relationship with people who know me yet don’t acknowledge that they do…or act as if we’ve never had a conversation before…ever say hello to someone…firstly know clearly that it is someone you know…not just a stranger falling into the doppelgänger catagory…even though they could be the perfect match…and they look at you semi-blank…questioning…that maybe your hand waving and howdies are directed at the person who might be standing behind them…and there is always a universal…”Do I know you look“…then there is the familiarity  jog…”we met at the bondage seminar in Sioux City…remember?”…followed by either…”Right, right, right” then usually “and what was your name?“…or “No I don’t remember meeting you“…usually said with the head cocked a bit…lips tight…an eyebrow raised…looking slightly down somewhere between floor and wall…and either one is a little ackward….as the first scenario critically defines importance…and impact…obviously illustrating…questioning impression…while the total lack of recognition might begin the process of questioning yourself…as to if the event even took place and were you ever even in Sioux City…

I think these people were also probably the most popular kids in high school…you know the ones that everybody in the school signed their yearbook…including ..the women in the cafeteria…janitors…faculty and yourself of course…when you only knew them from a distance but did write…”Stay the cool guy you are, let’s get together over the summer”…while in some recess of your brain…you’re hoping Mr. Big will give you a call and you and a few of the boys will be popping the tops on some Lone Star Long Necks…at a desert bonfire and everything will be smooth….

I recently found my yearbook from 1974…the year I graduated…of the 3 comments in the book…one of them was from my crafts teacher Mrs. Webb…the other was from a girl named Nan…who wanted to be the mother of my children and had drawn hearts and flowers around her scribbled out photograph and the third was from my lab partner Rubin…who wrote….”To the guy who really ‘mest’ up my mind“…needless to say …popularity was not my strong suit…I was a dirt kicker…all the way around…

used to be I loved winter…then it shifted to a great love for summer…now…I’m not really certain which time of year I like best…I’ve been thinking of life  a great deal lately…which naturally includes everything that goes along with it which after some serious thinking I found there is far too much to think about…so I’ve started narrowing down what it is that I think is important…and rather than  long drawn out phrases…sentences..paragraphs…etc…I’ve opted for just one word…that I can add another word… later another and so on until…I do have a sentence…sort of like the box of small refrigerator magnets…for poetry or whatever….but this narrowed down to a few words…of course eliminating… “I” ..because I already know it’s me…”Want”…and again…I know this is about what I want…prepositions…verbs..all of that…gone!…so really it’s a box of refrigerator magnets…that fundementally all of the magnets have been stolen…but maybe 6…they’re blank and I get to write what I want on them…erase them when it no longer applies…what a great way to define life and of course living it……

I was asked recently what word would describe what it is I want…and want in everything…life love…art…food…all of it…my word after a few seconds was….”Quality”….

“La Madrugada”….has a few definitions…the one I like best is “that precise time between day and night“…that time is the magical time…it happens… twice each day….I do my very best to see it both times in a day…play in that space…that is not night…yet is also not day…I recall as a child…driving through the desert during la madrugada…I would actually feel the difference in time…a sensation of a quiet peace…a stillness that even though everything was moving it was not the same movement…everything was augmented…as well as reduced…there was a physiological sensation…a mild flutter in my belly…like a slower roller coaster..might produce….and for as quiet as it was every sound was accentuated…clear and precise…la madrugada…is that deep breath time…to take it all in…reflect and come to some terms…as it washes over you…

I don’t think about the people who know me…but don’t know me….I like to think I think a bit more complex than that….but I do wonder…what did Mrs. Webb mean…when she wrote Robert...”Lots of luck in the future you’re gong to need it“….I think she meant if I was going to run for say…president…be an astronaut…or a super hero….maybe a rodeo cowboy…

“I know how hard it is to be a woman, especially a black woman.” – Mike Tyson

445. November 26th…Planning for the next big…Plan…

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Not Enough Hope This Week” 2010

“I don’t think about time. You’re here when you’re here. I think about today, staying in tune.” – John Lee Hooker

there is never a time that not being…beats being….even if licking the plate is the last thing before bed…it is maybe a cycle that develops…a way of doing the same thing the same way…sort of peeking out from under the sheets into the darkness hoping the boogeyman has left the room…he did or he didn’t….so on to plan “B”…

sometimes strength is not necessarily the best thing to aspire for…as with certain strengths comes…big footprints…giant marks and hard methods of changing…more brittle and less flexible….which one of the most stellar aspects of bamboo is the level of strength the plant has…yet an equal level of flexibility….and there really is something about that notion of bending with strength….

lately…I am finding…the plan…whatever it might be…has to have  a pretty clear pretty simple story that goes along with it…one that asks if I want the door to push inwards or pull outwards….olive colored walls or more light blue….almost to the point where the description has been predetermined….otherwise it’s like finding bacon bits in a box of cheerios…there may be some real connection….yet a few missing syllables makes the connection….out of bounds…hard to connect and it might be easier to just stand there…stare into the void….walking circles…repeating “Voort…Voort…Voort”…until the melt down calms itself…train back on tracks…direction re-assessed….push/pull begins all over…and I can find the page I was on….before the intervention began…

I’ve never been a planner…I’ve always loved the idea of being a planner….someone that has some part of it mapped out to a point that makes the next few steps…a walking on water experience…I know people who are good planners…in my experience…though…really good planners are not really very spontaneous people…goes against the grain…do you want chocolate or Bavarian cream….sometimes has more involved to it….than a mere finger-pointing and may contain lists…consultations…debates…maybe even spreadsheets….

for me the small elements really are the best method…even planning on a small-scale a bunch of times…just might work…you know like not getting out of bed until the first 3 steps of the plan have been developed and are concrete…at step 3….develop steps 4 through 10…at step 10…increase the step span by say 20 or thirty…so I’m not like Jack Nicholson in “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest”…shortly after he had the lobotomy….

I’ve lately also been talking in “The scale of Zero to Ten”….measuring everything on this scale…a dining experience give it a 6…I slept well into the 8-9 range last night…those tacos are a solid 7…I can apply this to the personal aspects of my development…you know…if today I feel like a -9….I  have hope…as I know there is a +9 that exists…and as I told a friend of mine…”I just have to walk backwards to zero…and turn around….+9 should be there in front of me somewhere”….

so maybe all of this is some bizarre rough draft for… a television sitcom….or a new stab at something different…that I don’t know with certainty…I do know…it is working…for me…and sure there seems to be a great deal to remember…and it’s pretty easy to get the steps mixed up with the rating system….and that whole thing is like tying knots that work……

but after all I was an Eagle Scout…

“Everyone has a plan ’till they get punched in the mouth.”  Mike Tyson