January 24, 2013, Please don’t repeat yourself, Please don’t repeat yourself, Please don’t repeat yourself…

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

wandering

“Wandering” ©2011, Robert Redus

“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” – Albert Einstein

Today is really no different from any other day…but more different from any other day I will experience…as much as I love the riddle of living…I also like getting to the point…saying what need be said…getting it out there and over with…being able to say ….”NEXT”…closing one..opening another….scanning the fine print…seeing where it all goes….and hopefully not revisiting the same folder…

The ability to repeat one’s self…redo the process…is much like bulimia….Bulimia is an illness…typically defined by binge eating and purging…the old….in and out so to speak…when we repeat one of our processes….we take in what we clearly know to be something we think we know a great deal about….we then realize at some point (HOPEFULLY)…that there was a reason we opted out of this process and that reason was a good enough one to swear on a stack of bibles…needles in the eye…pinky swear…and  on dear old mom’s grave…to never repeat again….but we never see that until we are often right in the middle of saying…. “How the fuck did I get here…again”…and it may very well be the 5th time we’ve had this conversation….

Now it’s not stupidity….mind you that causes this….it’s this idea that doing the same thing over again with a slightly different approach is going to make all of the difference…(It’s maybe what you were forgetting the last time out)…it is also seeing what was and thinking what was is so much better than what can be….you know….the anticipation of death is far worse than death itself….but anyway…combine…“That back there is much better than this up here and what can be”….. with… “I just forgot to add the baking soda, and really, seriously…it would have been perfect”….sort of thinking…and you have the makings for the ideal bulimic life in every way…less the eating disorder…

My father was notorious for saying the last place he lived was the best place he lived…he could conjure up all of the great things about the place…shout all of the things that made it ideal…the perfect place…utopia…nirvana….heaven on earth….yet whisper the faults…his complaints…the people he couldn’t stand…everything about the place that aided in his decision of which moving company to call…..Mayflower or Bekins….and why you ask…simple:

HE CHOSE TO FORGET ABOUT ALL OF THE STUFF THAT DID NOT MAKE IT:

  • ideal
  • the perfect place
  • utopia
  • nirvana
  • heaven on earth

AND FOCUS ON THE STUFF THAT MADE IT:

  • ideal
  • the perfect place
  • utopia
  • nirvana
  • heaven on earth

And the flaw?????….clearly the flaw is as obvious as the problem….

We often think

  1. I didn’t give it, him, her, them, us, there, those,  a chance
  2. I really didn’t apply myself as much as I could have with it, him, her, them, us, there, those
  3. There is opportunity with it, him, her, them, us, there, those,  I just overlooked it
  4. I’m going to really make it different with me, it, him, her, them, us, there, those
  5. I will ________and__________and_______and_______and______to make it work…this time
  6. I just didn’t try with it, him, her, them, us, there, those
  7. I know how good it, him, her, them, us, there, those,…is/are

“There” might be geography…place…living….relationship….love…job….blah blah blah….well here is my bit of advice and my personal mantra these days:

“If I am not doing what I want to be doing where I am, I will not do it where I am going”

every time/anytime  I say out loud…because I do talk out loud a great deal to myself:

“when I get _______. I am going to open up a trout ranch”…I then ask myself, (again out loud)…. “Are you actively pursuing your ‘Trout Ranch’ right here and now?”….and it’s pretty simple…if the answer is “Yes, as a matter of fact I am and in a big way”obviously trout ranching is a big part of my life and it’s something I will continue to pursue with fervor….yet if I answer, “No, I’m not really involved in ‘Trout Ranching’ just yet.”…that in-turn…leads to another question…which is….“Are you blowing smoke out of your ass or is ‘Trout Ranching” really important?” If YES to the smoke from my ass question, I won’t do it anyway and it is a distraction…I spit say a few made up incantations….and it is gone…no more smoke…while if YES it is important…time for the old BEN FRANKLIN ‘T’….basically dividing a piece of paper in half…..write  Pros to Trout Farming in 1 column and the Cons to Trout Farming in the other…over a couple of days write the pros and cons down….a few weighting decisions and by weeks end…I have an answer….I will or will not be a trout farmer… taadaa……

so live how you want…repeat as often as you want….but…..each time you cry  for what you’ve already cried over…before…it seems kind of like a waste of good tears…cry over something new…big…enormous…monumental….something that could really affect you in a big way…just as long as it doesn’t have “Felony” attached to it….

“History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living.”

440. November 20th..I’m thinking like Art Zabari…this morning…

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Sinks Redux” 2010

“There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.” – Charles Osgood

some days I wonder about the places I have ended up….all of the interesting little houses…and adventures that went along with each place…

I lived in the heart of Waikiki…for awhile…it was very much like living in Disneyland…everyone is a tourist…and everyone has some smile that indicates their level of tropical fun…I never needed an alarm clock as the Japanese tour busses loaded their tourists every morning below my window…at around 7:15….I’d sit on the balcony drink coffee….and have pictures taken of me by tourists…thinking…what I don’t know…

I lived on the California coast for a few years…in a small town named “Moss Beach”…about 600 people….a coffee house….a Mexican Taqueria…gas station and a well-lit sheriff’s station for the unruly crowds I guess….Moss Beach was the place affected greatly by El Nino that year….I walked outside to find my car safely on the porch…yet my driveway was missing….slid right down the hill…and left a large gaping hole I could not drive past…I had to call my boss and tell him my drive was missing and could not come to work indeinitly…he responded by saying…”I’ve never heard that one before..so I guess you’re telling me you’re resigning”…..no my drive way was just missing and as soon as it was back…I’d be to work….that took almost 3 weeks to repair….in that time…my brain and I decided to learn how to gild (gold foil)….I gilded almost everything in my house…at first it was simple…the objects were obvious…although into week 2 the challenges were rapidly arising….I gilded all of the knobs in my kitchen….the bathroom…the handle on the dryer…the rim of each glass light covering…every chopstick in the house…wine glasses…the edge of the television set…etc….I do think there was much more going on than just an issue with the drive way….

I was once one of those people who if the place felt good…it is very easy for me to just load everything up…without much thought and drive there….thinking it was “The Place”…I’d have gigantic plans….maybe compete with Odwalla…and make lemonade in my kitchen….start a small manufacturing business in the spare bedroom…or incorporate my mother into a sales company from her apartment….make it sound like we’re in a giant glass 12 story building…and every time the phone rings she answers it “Good morning and thank you for calling XYZ sales…how may I direct your call” in between episodes of “Wings”….while she and I would do our nails…waiting for another phone call…I…of course would dress for success…wear a suit and tie…walk from the bathroom dressed and ready….to my desk 8 feet away from the kitchen….you know sort of make that mentality of professionalism work for me…take luch at around 11:00…spend the rest of the day filing through the 751 page business plan I’d written the night before….and move on to bigger and better things….right over there….

going places doesn’t always mean leaving another place…maybe it means looking at something differently to make the trip happen…might be too…that the way we’ve been looking at it might be completely the wrong way….the one way that doesn’t have an exit…since we opted for no doors when we built…that room…and I guess adventure is through the eyes…the feet and hands or the mind….and I was recently asked this question….

Is the experience of doing something better than the memory of the experience?”

I thought that very interesting…as the idea of doing anything does make a memory…and maybe we have a different way of approaching it if we are more driven by creating a memory than having an experience….I think it might be like a photograph…one we can hold in our hands and remember…vs…those pictures in our heads….

“Image is what people perceive my life to be. It’s nothing like the truth.” – David Hasselhoff