Star Gazing

Thoughts from the "Tinman", West Texas ramblings

Limited Time, 2017

“I’m not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it.”

I used to camp on a picnic table at Bean Hollow Beach, long after they would lock the gates, check the bathrooms and say goodnight to whatever needed saying goodnight to….I’d walk around the heavy yellow pipe barricade, with my sleeping bag, a flashlight, a small styrofoam cooler and my journal…I always had plans…didn’t always initiate the plans but had them nevertheless…Often I’d start a small fire under the concrete picnic table that was my bed to warm it up…I’d lie there, drink some beers and watch the star filled sky…watch for anomalies and satellites…strange events, anything that wanted to come forward…it was an experience I often think of today and how it was, simple and easy….a pleasure to be a part of a few times each month….I owned the beach, and everything on it…it was mine for about 8 hours…sometimes I’d count the stars like the minutes…because I could…

Star gazing music:

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

7.1.13…The lasting effects and knowledge of June….2013

First Day of the Month, Last Day of the Month

cause I dont worry

“Cause I Don’t Worry” ©2013, Robert Redus

“I’m not out to convince anybody of anything.”

I’ve not revisited the “First of the Month”…honestly in a few months maybe even….well…over a year…in order for the first of the month to have some value…there must be a connection to the end of the previous month…don’t ask me why…but it just seems a sort of…”foot bone’s connected to the ankle bone”…sort of progression… I have to say in all honesty…I prefer writing about what I learned in the month just finished rather than…what I think I’m going to learn in the month…ahead…seems so cryptic…

well here is the…where I’ve been…in other words the gripping thoughts and the skinny for June 2013…the month that has led me to this morning of writing about…my expectations if you will…for July…

10 Things I learned in June:

  1. There are a lot of people who buy a lot of pretty pointless…stuff…
  2. Bee stings are much different from what I expected…
  3. There is always something that has to happen before that something that really matters happens…
  4. I’m completely and utterly done with thinking that #3 is true and has to occur…
  5. Writing is much more liberating than I remember…
  6. Israeli food is the same as Middle Eastern food..so I understand the conflict even less…
  7. At art shows…people generally ask the same…4 questions…and tell me the same…3 storie… about themselves…
  8. Success for me is finding someone who is equally as excited about selling my stuff as I am excited about making it…
  9. At 56 I don’t need/want excuses…
  10. Sometimes it is just easier to nod than to say anything….maybe utter a couple of “hmm’s” …but remain for the most part…quiet

So there you have it…June in a nutshell!

July is going to have to wait….I have 30 more days to see what transpires…

see you then…

“If you start by promising what you don’t even have yet, you’ll lose your desire  to work towards getting it.”

521. May 9th… cogito ergo sum?…..or decipio ergo sum?…let’s ask Jimmy Swaggert…..OK?

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Old smoke…New mirrors” 2011

“A living thing seeks above all to discharge its strength – life itself is will to power; self-preservation is only one of the indirect and most frequent results.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

she asked me if they lost the paper…was it her fault…and who was to blame…I told her it wasn’t her fault…and I didn’t think anybody needed to be blamed…that seemed like a  senseless way of saying the same thing over a bunch of times…and hoping to feel good about the same answer…even when it felt poorly…she started to tear up a bit…she must’ve  been pretty sensitive…was my first thought…what she had forgiven them for…they had not done….and what they had done had been forgiven…in a small crack in the white paint way…

admitting takes a great deal of cojones…and generally the difficulties admitting…is telling the truth and almost always has to do with the “wrongs” we may have committed or the inaccuracies we allowed or perpetrated…or what we have decided someone else has done and needs to atone for….while admitting the things we do that fall under the “Right” column of the paper is quiet easy…we rarely admit we’re doing right…although we might remind people of all the right we are doing…as right is one of those things we never feel a need to apologize for..unless of course it’s doing something in the name of right…like…say…the “Spanish Inquisition”…or…”Ethnic Cleansing”…

Sometimes “our forward deception” is masked by one mask covering the next which is covering the next which is covering the next and so on…the perception of who we are is what we think we are…we might think we are forgiving…honest…trusting and honorable…and maybe we are exactly that to almost everybody we fool…I mean come in contact with…except those few people who have felt the sharp point of our lack of forgiveness…dishonesty…distrust and dishonorable acts and actions…we’ve all known someone…like this…and are like this to someone as well…yet each of them and each of us which is them…all have best friends that couldn’t say enough great things about us…so what’s the deal….

so makes me think that our perception of who we think we are is really how others perceive us to be…and we either meet that mark or we don’t…and we either try to be that person we’ve led them to believe we are or we don’t and all of the “buzz words” we’ve used to define who we think we are or more so who we think we want to be…are only believable if everybody around us see us doing the action associated with…you got it….the “buzz words….

we’ve all thought we were______________________and along with being________________ we also had all of these “wonderful” qualities: 1. ______ 2._____ 3._____ 4. _____ 5. _____ 6. _____ 7. _____ 8. _____ 9. _____ and 10._____ and never did we think we could be anything else…until after a few hours…days…months…years…decades…we became _________________ instead…with all of these “wonderful” qualities:1. ______ 2._____ 3._____ 4. _____ 5. _____ 6. _____ 7. _____ 8. _____ 9. _____ and…10._____ and within being both ___________________ and __________________ we also were very capable of displaying these “not so wonderful” qualities: 1. ______ 2._____ 3._____ 4. _____ 5. _____ 6. _____ 7. _____ 8. _____ 9. _____ and…10._____ I’ll call these qualities the…”Jimmy qualities”…we’ll get to those directly…

no doubt intention looks great on paper and maybe accomplishing 51% of the original intention illuminates the personal Buzz words…lights up the marquis enough to maintain a level of credibility that can be seen from a few blocks away…and maybe it doesn’t…it really is the action that speaks…and not most of the action…100% of the action is required…so in order to be and be with any believability we have to do…and do completely…consistently…continually…

I think of the Reverend Jimmy Swaggert…you know the Television Evangelist that got busted with a prostitute…he was busted by a fellow Evangelist (Marvin Gorman)…whom Jimmy had reported to the powers that be…had been involved in extramarital affairs…vengance was indeed Marvin’s…Jimmy televised his apology with…”I have sinned against You, my Lord, and I would ask that Your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God’s forgiveness.”…and most of the congregation saw Jimmy doing what he said (often called sleight of hand in some circles)   Jim was given the standard two-year suspension for sexual immorality…returned to the pulpit after 3 months…appeared not genuinely repentant..and was then defrocked…dethroned…and his credentials along with his ministerial license…were removed…Jimmy was resilient though…like bamboo…so he decided to become an independent…end of story…no not really…Jimmy was again arrested in 1991…for…that’s right…Solicitation of a ….you got it a…Prostitute…she must have been hot because when he was pulled over…he was driving on the…wrong side of the road…now busted twice…same offense…he’s now an independent…and the consequences are different…this is what he said to his congregation…rather than admitting anything….”The Lord told me it’s flat none of your business.“…now..how’s that for walking that talk of perception…

my point is simple Jimmy is not what buzz words Jimmy uses…he’s a television evangelist…who likes prostitutes…similar to a vegan who enjoys a good T-bone…every now and again…it just can’t be…

along with admitting…comes ownership…even more difficult…but owning it is much better than renting it…living a life of convenient resolution…makes it really easy to adopt new “Buzz words” when needed…drop them in place when the slots begin to empty….makes us more believable..or at least we think so…keeps us “Right”…and ensures we can perpetuate denial of who we are..what we are…what we’ve done and said…what we will do and say….and that fuzzy old thing called memory…because we can always defend it by…”The Lord told me it’s flat none of your business.

one thing for certain….there is a little Jimmy in all of us…

 “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease you can get yelled at for having” – Mitch Hedberg

474. January 18th…Truth…Want…Wu Wei…and…W’s Thought on history…

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Spin Doctor” 2011

“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.” – Buddha

don’t waste one more second not getting what you want”…came out of my mouth…and I really meant it…more than ever…ever before…

and as I lay in bed this morning…I thought of my list…the “want list”…the things I’d like to put in place in my world…I thought of how to get them there…then push them into place…much like an awkward piece of furniture..how to arrange everything so…the gaps are minimal…the space movable…yet filled with what I want…I made some mental blueprints…sorted things by size and color…filled some space with this…other spaces with another form of this…and everything seemed as it was going to fit perfectly…the furnished apartment of sorts straight out of every desire I had…well at least the desires and wants for those few moments…

Taoism talks about desire as an unfulfilling path…as one desire is met…another often more ambitious desire will arise to replace the previous one…and perhaps living life “As is”…appreciating life “As is”…allows what will…to become…Wu Wei…is knowing when to act…and when not to act…it is the “natural action” that exists….in everything striving for a state of perfect equilibrium…

so what I am saying is…”yes…I want”…and “yes I know what I want clearly in parts of my world…while I don’t in other parts”…and I am finding more that my need to sit with it all for a day or so…swish it around…and see how it all feels…see what my…”Desire”…is really all about…and does it fit or is it something I want to make into something else…and then see if it fits…find out the truth about what I think it may be rather than what it really is…act on it without acting…hmmm…

in each of us exists a rhythm…something that might be aligned in some part with circadian rhythm yet a pulse we have altered…to work for us…or at least we think so…knowing a rhythm exists…then knowing the rhythm can be out of rhythm exists as well… “life arrhythmia”…may very well be “dancing to the wrong beat”…and a habit that…a “tune up”… might make the dance a bit more pleasureable…unless of course the rhythm of life is fusion jazz…which some days…it is…no doubt

by following the natural rhythm…being and doing when being and doing are ideal…sounds to me like the best method of doing anything…yet what I have found for me…over the last 3 years of hard work…all of the rhythms….the stillness…and actions…wants desires….anything and everything…doesn’t matter if it isn’t the truth…that internal truth….your saying..”I tell myself the truth all of the time…”and of course you do…it might be some facsimile of the truth…have some root in the truth…knowing the truth…eliminates the wrong people…the wrong ideas…and the wastes of time from our lives…if we exercise that truth…often we just might get what we desire….see paragraph#3

two of my favorite Rococo painters…Jean-Honoré Fragonard…and François Lemoyne…painted what I think they saw as truth…

“The Bolt” Fragonard

“The Meeting” Fragonard

“Narcissist ” Lemoyne

“Time Saving Truth from Falsehood and Envy”  Lemoyne

holy cow…that truth thing can sure set you free….

“One of things important about history is to remember the true history” – George W. Bush


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

438. November 16th…Multi-Dimensional thinking…maybe….

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Someday, Looking West” 2010

“Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.” – Ambrose Bierce

I heard Kinky Friedman for the first time in the early 1970’s…he was the lead for a band named…Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jew Boys….they were an elaborate band of very Jewish cowboys…that took the western wear ensemble far over the top…sheep skin chaps…loud checkered shirts….enormous 1920’s cowboy hats and boots that were so colorful they were blinding…my all time two favorite songs by the band were…”They’re not making Jews like Jesus anymore”…and….”The Ballad of Charles Joseph Whitman”….both songs that seemed to say a great deal about a great deal….Kinky Friedman had a run for governor of Texas…yet his history probably had something to do with his failure at that attempt….after all….he isn’t Ronald Reagan or the Governator….and Texas isn’t California…

I guess there are a lot of things that are not a lot of things and how that affects the possibilities of each of those things….seems pretty amazing to me…so I began thinking of fate and destiny…and the predetermination of life…then I thought of complete self direction…total disregard to any beacon of familiarity or conformity….then the blend of both….perhaps taking what is best from both worlds to find some of the answers…to make it all seem cohesive and workable…then I asked…”can I do that?”….I mean are the philosophical police going to be kicking down my door in some….multiple manner just to show the diversity of belief….to sit me under the light and question my rationale and the…”Why” I am not conforming  exclusively to the rule books of Existentialism…Fatalism…Humanism….and the like….is there a bylaw I perhaps missed or read over….and if indeed there is….what happens next….am I kicked out of the Existentialist talk group on Saturday…at whatever time I decide to show…up…

it really got me thinking….why can’t anyone blend anything they want to make it work for them….make up your own story that lets you sleep safely at night…and walk everyday with happiness and joy in your life knowing you’ve decided that God… Shiva…Betty Davis and Pedi the dog from the Little Rascals…are ruling the world…and Karma is strongest on Thursdays…and there is no Karma on every third Saturday….and that your heaven does exists…and it’s an all you can eat buffet where you never get full…and the desert bar is bigger than a K-Mart….and there is a hell….and it’s a roommate that moves in for a little while until you get it back on track…and start telling yourself the truth….and then they leave….for someone elses house…(that just might be that guys heaven…is to travel)…and so you’ve decide your dogma and doctrine for the month is this scenario…and maybe next moth you want to include pizza…and topless dancers….well you can do that…and the only rule is you have to write down the new rules…scratch out the old ones…and maybe throw some dirt in 4 directions….eat a few cocktail olives…say hello to 6 people you’ve never met…think about adopting a pet from the local humane shelter….and nail a small nail into a piece of wood…and when you wake up the next day…..that new stuff….is real….

and you can change it anytime you want…

“No simplicity of mind, no obscurity of station, can escape the universal duty of questioning all that we believe.” William Kingdon Clifford

415. September 20th…. “It is weight that gives meaning to weightlessness ”

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Babe” 2010

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.” – T.S. Eliot

I’ve thought of the times…I’ve chosen to accept something that I was originally opposed to….and yet  by accepting it…I am in essence saying I will accept contradiction and acknowledge it as now it is Ok to be in my life…..rather than going with the natural confirmation and agreement….that takes most of the bumps out of the road….

I think maybe it’s the …”Some“…is better than the… “None“….mentality….and I suppose in  dealing with hunger and thirst….some is better than none…..seems most everything else outside of that….doesn’t follow that rule…it really translates to…”I’ll get what I can even if it isn’t what I want…for right now“….kind of like the filler in hot dogs….don’t know for what or why….just that it is…..and hopefully when the void is filled with anything…it appears to be the ideal thing…..the only thing…the best thing…..with a little luck…maybe it is…..

sure sitting around and waiting for whatever “IT” might be….to come knocking on the door…doesn’t seem like the likely alternative…and probably isn’t…..as what we want requires we cross the path of that object of desire more than once….yet moving our direction as well…and perhaps at that intersection……the magic may or….may not happen…and often what we don’t get in our lives is really the blessing…..as it may illustrate itself one way…yet appear an entirely different way……

the lack of certainty increases the possibilities of what may happen as well as increase the unknown….”with big risk comes the possibility for big success“….yet trying to achieve that success…via personal compromise….may only bring a fleeting glimpse of the success….as it passes by…and everybody waves from the speeding car…..I’m not suggesting we don’t compromise…..compromise is necessary to make it all work….but to sacrifice a piece of ourselves for the hope of something we don’t want to transpire…..seems like cutting off a finger….just because we’re not planning on using it…..anytime soon……

we strive for the what we know to be the best….how ever we define “The Best“…may be particle board dining room furniture with real fake wood grain from Country Dan’s….or a coffee table by Isamu Noguchi…..but the best is still the best…..and the best for our soul…..hovers there waiting for us to know a truth…..rather than a confetti of uncertainties…..and wavy glass that blurs the vision….while we move forward…. hands in front of us…stepping with uncertainty…and overly cautious….

the answer….any answer is the correct one…..if it is doing what you…me….everybody wants it to do…..even if the truth is questionable….or untrue…..or not even a matter of truth…..

the Tao talks about defining a stream by its componants….yet to identify a particular componant….is impossible…..we can not reach into the water…grasp a piece of “Current” or “Ripple”….and have an answer…..but we can observe the action without the action being a real tangable…something that explains how the stream works….but without any real explanation…..

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” – Lao Tzu