Star Gazing

Thoughts from the "Tinman", West Texas ramblings

Limited Time, 2017

“I’m not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it.”

I used to camp on a picnic table at Bean Hollow Beach, long after they would lock the gates, check the bathrooms and say goodnight to whatever needed saying goodnight to….I’d walk around the heavy yellow pipe barricade, with my sleeping bag, a flashlight, a small styrofoam cooler and my journal…I always had plans…didn’t always initiate the plans but had them nevertheless…Often I’d start a small fire under the concrete picnic table that was my bed to warm it up…I’d lie there, drink some beers and watch the star filled sky…watch for anomalies and satellites…strange events, anything that wanted to come forward…it was an experience I often think of today and how it was, simple and easy….a pleasure to be a part of a few times each month….I owned the beach, and everything on it…it was mine for about 8 hours…sometimes I’d count the stars like the minutes…because I could…

Star gazing music:

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

7.1.13…The lasting effects and knowledge of June….2013

First Day of the Month, Last Day of the Month

cause I dont worry

“Cause I Don’t Worry” ©2013, Robert Redus

“I’m not out to convince anybody of anything.”

I’ve not revisited the “First of the Month”…honestly in a few months maybe even….well…over a year…in order for the first of the month to have some value…there must be a connection to the end of the previous month…don’t ask me why…but it just seems a sort of…”foot bone’s connected to the ankle bone”…sort of progression… I have to say in all honesty…I prefer writing about what I learned in the month just finished rather than…what I think I’m going to learn in the month…ahead…seems so cryptic…

well here is the…where I’ve been…in other words the gripping thoughts and the skinny for June 2013…the month that has led me to this morning of writing about…my expectations if you will…for July…

10 Things I learned in June:

  1. There are a lot of people who buy a lot of pretty pointless…stuff…
  2. Bee stings are much different from what I expected…
  3. There is always something that has to happen before that something that really matters happens…
  4. I’m completely and utterly done with thinking that #3 is true and has to occur…
  5. Writing is much more liberating than I remember…
  6. Israeli food is the same as Middle Eastern food..so I understand the conflict even less…
  7. At art shows…people generally ask the same…4 questions…and tell me the same…3 storie… about themselves…
  8. Success for me is finding someone who is equally as excited about selling my stuff as I am excited about making it…
  9. At 56 I don’t need/want excuses…
  10. Sometimes it is just easier to nod than to say anything….maybe utter a couple of “hmm’s” …but remain for the most part…quiet

So there you have it…June in a nutshell!

July is going to have to wait….I have 30 more days to see what transpires…

see you then…

“If you start by promising what you don’t even have yet, you’ll lose your desire  to work towards getting it.”

488. February 8th…de·lu·sion·al, de·lu·sion·ar·y, pre·de·lu·sion,…hey let’s all move to Yap…where the government can’t watch us…ok???

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“Refrigerator Art” 2011

“Predilection, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion” – Ambrose Pierce

and Devil’s claws…I laced together….hung on the nail on my light blue wall….they were lucky…not big kind of luck…like a real 4 leaf clover….or a St. Christopher medal…but that kind of state fair sort of luck…the luck that after a few tries….might get you a goldfish in a jar….or one of them fancy looking drinking glasses….with the grapes and vines embossed on the side“….

I once believed I was going to work for National Geographic…originally went to college to be a forest ranger…but neither were the cards dealt….actually many of the cards I thought I wanted were…never dealt…I thought the universe…or fate…maybe god…or I was in the wrong place at the right time…held the responsibility for the small failures…and me…I was just standing there eating chips and salsa…watching the river go by…thinking anything was…better than anything else….

it took me many decades to care that my socks matched…the details matter little…of what lit the fuse for the sock matching explosion…what I know today is…I am here and not there…Yatsutani Roshi wrote…” The fundamental delusion of humanity is to suppose that I am here and you are out there” and I understand his meaning for all of us to realize we are some degree of the same and oneness….yet I think the delusion of self is to live here and be out there…creating something like a puff of breath on a cold day…expecting it to be significant…lasting…I know this well…

there was a time in my life…if you’d had mentioned Ethiopia…and it was coffee picking time…I’d be getting tickets…packing…figuring the lay of the land…or maybe you just wanted to move to Montreal…and needed a ride…”sure…I’ve never been there…let me quit my job first“…

today the weather predicted snow and 9 degrees…I awakened this morning at 5:40…it was dark…and in that darkness I saw snow and something hovering around 9 degrees…I fell back asleep and when I awakened and hour or so later…it was blue skies…no snow…the sun was shining….the temp was cold but nowhere close to 9 degrees…the prediction wrong…and maybe later it will be right…but that didn’t matter…I thought of Henry Darger and his book of “Weather Reports”…

“the Book of Weather Reports is in fact concerned with a kind of endless, self-multiplying error; this error is not Darger’s, however, but the weatherman’s: “He was all wrong again except the temperature

Darger began writing the book in December of 1957 and stopped in December of 1967…now …”Experts”…have tried to read more into it than weather and are touting this manuscript as some social commentary…from Dager…when chances are it’s nothing more than a man who wrote about weather and wanted to see how accurate the local weatherman was…Darger liked to write about accuracy instead of collecting miniature anythings…or cars…he stacked predictions on his shelves…

I always liked those viewing devices…you know the ones you looked into…moved the toggle down to get a different 3D picture…usually of Wyoming…or a forest in the North West….those were the ultimate delusionary catalyst for me…as I could find a place…in any of the photographs…know everything I felt I needed to know about it in a nano second…and start devising a way to get there…and get there soon…I moved to  San Francisco exactly like that in 1997…no real reason…just because…Hawaii  in 1993…Albuquerque…in 1978…Alabama in 1975…in between and to 2006…were a few thousand trips around the planet…and not one bit of it made any sense…(except of course at the time I was doing it…it did…are you kidding?)….and my socks still didn’t match….

like a sharp stick in the eye…along with a well placed nudge….one day I decided to take…god…planetary alignment..fate…karma…every girlfriend I’d had whose name began with “I”…”J” or “R”…”it wasn’t my fault” thinking…timing…blame… whining… abuse…alcohol… recreational drug use…people I wanted to love…those who wanted to love me…(who I didn’t want to love me)…cheap superficial sex…fast food…Bushmills…grandiosity….dancing on a white balcony overlooking the ocean…fantasy…a woman south of the equator…any ideas of fame…and a myriad of other bizarre and delusional thoughts…out of the equation….granted everything tasted like stale Melba Toast for a few years…the solid white puzzle seemed easier to put together….and one day….

my socks matched…and rolled up nicely in my drawer….and I made my bed every day…and didn’t wash the dishes in the backyard with a hose or my clothes while I was taking a shower…and it was better than…..good….it was here….not there…

“Once you are liberated, you are forced to ask who you are.” – Jean Baudrillard

 

 

485. February 3rd…”reverie”…and who thinks of being a hired gun….

Thoughts from the "Tinman"

“One Less Fly Day” 2011

“Have Gun Will Travel. Wire Paladin. San Francisco.” – Paladin’s Business Card

“the stuff that made heroes from…the other boys whose armpits smelled like stale washcloths…and their lips chapped…from licking the salt specks…one by one…on the ocean spray days…there just north of  Roller Coaster Beach…or south of anywhere…that was south of here”

I was born a day dreamer…one of those kids that always looked out of the window…at the smallest anything I could see…I payed little attention…or was so hyper attentive…but never…ever…saw anything called the middle…

I could see anything…in anything…hold a smooth stone in my hand…and for hours see the stone house I wanted to build in the forest…watch a river and ask myself if I were one part of that river…what part would it be and where would I be going… today…I’d dismantle my lunch on the city bus to school… throw the lunch meat and bread at passing cars hoping they’d stick on the windshield…daydream of a fast foot chase through the streets…..yee haw….

my father used to say to me…I was like a shot-gun blast…hard to tell where I was… where I went…or where I was going…and I liked that…especially coming from him…since he was the straight line thinker…one who deviation was plus or minus… .00009…and that was way over the edge…an olympic diver doing a belly flop….for the gold…

and I’m still a day dreamer…and I like it better than ever…because being a day dreamer…allows for the minute inspection of everything we dreamers find interesting…intriguing… want to know and learn…we have a different idea ..what it means and what we do with it…

I have been watching the series Paladin lately…by far the greatest series on the planet…granted it is a little sexist…and racist…but I accept  those parts for what they are based on context and history…I have surmised between gambling and his job as a “Hired gun”…Paladin makes a little over $100,000 a year…he is the classic example of…turning lemons into lemonade…a bad situation always has some redeeming piece to it that inevitably turns the tables…

Paladin…begins each show by pulling his perfectly balanced custom made…Colt 45 from his holster…cocking the pistol and pointing it at the camera…the protagonist then says some gripping line that is the golden egg of dialogue…something that will later turn the tables or end the problem…

Paladin is very Taoist in design….he reads every newspaper…looking for work…. always pays “Heyboy” some money….each episode…the bad guy either turns good…or is killed but never in a very gruesome way…just a quick gunshot from Paladin…fist fights always are punch for punch and end in Paladin knocking the guy to the ground…picking him up…making sure he’s OK…or KOed…gun fights usually have no blood or entry wounds…except on Paladin…and they are almost always…glancing upper arm shots…not vital wounds…Paladin often appears as if he is going to the other side when in reality he is out witting the other side… “beating them at their own game”….

and I guess I enjoy the endings by far the most…they usually end with a bit of mystery…like Paladin walking up stairs…whispering something into a beautiful woman’s ear…then turning and laughing out loud…or the person/people he has helped…say something with a great deal of morality…and they all end up laughing out loud…

I once held a piece of bronze jewelry in hand…when I was 7…I daydreamed of being a jeweler…

Paladin is defined as: an advocate or defender of a noble cause…

what more noble cause is there than daydreaming?…….

“He does not need opium. He has the gift of reverie.”

 

 

 

 

 

454. December 11th…thinking of you today…Fast Eddie…and what you’re doing with yourself…these days…

From the MInd of the Manic

“Doctor my Eyes” 2010

“With most people disbelief in a thing is founded on a blind belief in some other thing.” – Georg C. Lichtenberg

I’ve not watched or listened to the news in over 3 months…and for that loss if you will…I feel ok about it…I have sort of become my own news caster..something I’ve always wanted to be…right along with a Mexican radio disc jockey…a Television Evangalist….and a Lounge Singer in a really bad hotel bar…off of interstate 10…

lately I’ve been reading and saying everything aloud in a news casters voice….usually ending with…”Back to you Clarrisa”….I only do this in the privacy of my own home…for obvious fears and reasons…but there is something very powerful in holding a pretend microphone…staring into a fictitious camera…standing close to some non-disastor…while reporting that the bread has just exited the toaster…and will soon be a nutritious breakfast treat the whole family can enjoy…that’s correct…whole grain bread from Costco…delicious…nutricious…afforacble and something that should be a part of everyone’s breakfast table….so that’s led me to the idea of adding another possibility of professions if and when I return to the planet via reincarnation…I’d like to be a game show announcer….

I always loved watching game shows…especially when the contestant lost but won….they maybe didn’t win the convertable…or the trip to Maui…but they won a life times supply of either Rice-a-Roni…the San Francisco Treat…or Creamettes…or Turtle Wax…and I always wanted to marry one of the women who held their arm out pointing towards the drape with the plethora of possible prizes…I mean wouldn’t it be great at a party to introduce myself….”Hi I’m Robert…this is my wife Carol Marol”….she’d wave her hand…people would stop to look at her ability to point things out….they’d know right away who she was…sort of a celebrity without all of the secrecy…not to mention the benefit for me…she could point that game show way…when we were driving as to which direction to turn…where the mens room is..all of that it would be great…the nice thing too  about being a game show announcer…is I’d be sort of invisible…it’s just my voice they’d hear…and never see me…and if they did…I could be fat and wearing headphones…because it really wouldn’t matter what I looked like….and I could probably wear a jogging suit…too….

all of these profession by way of reincarnation are exciting…to say the least…there are such huge possibilities…I don’t care what the music is…nor do I care what I might be singing…or if anybody’s getting my message…I just want some healing going on…and the game show could be anything…as long as I get to say….”Heeerrrreee’s Bob”….and I don’t really even care what name it is…there is really something about the non-celebrity celebrity status…that intrigues me…it’s kind of that whole thing like…who is the other guy in “Wham”….I don’t care who he is…and that’s my point…being something…or somebody is what we are all of the time…most of us are just missing it…

so I can see myself…sitting at a piano in a smoky bar at the Holiday Inn in Midland Texas…cigarette burning in the ashtray on top of the rental piano….hair slicked backed…lips pursed…”hey it’s great to see you out tonight….remember to tip the waitriss…she’s working hard for youhere’s an oldy but a goody by Tony Orlando and Dawn“…..that’s right put your hand on the television set…reach deep into your pocket with your other hand…that jingle is the jingle of salvation…I’m here to tell you…that sound sounds like a serious change in things is coming at you…so send us your check for 99.99 and we’ll send you some toothpicks that have been hand dipped into the Nile River….the real Nile river….in Egypt… my assistant Carol Marol…points her lovely hand to the curtain to the left….and as it opens….” That’s right it’s a Baldwin Piano…made from handcrafted cherry wood from Iceland’s most talented craftsmen  …Ivory tone keys…imitation Ebony sharps and Flats…a cushioned bench seat for hours of comfort and enjoyment….retail 6 thousand 2 hundred sixty-one dollars and forty-one cents…the Baldwin Company where Music it’s our Business“…”Thank you Clarrissa…this is Bob Wonderman live from the metroplex…and have we got some news ahead for you…stay tuned…Jill has weather…and Tiny Tom’s always here with sports as it happens…see you back here at 10:30 on channel 66 KZAG…..here’s a word from our sponsor…. “Radiorama Discotecha…equis ere oh ka X Rock 80…Escuchame…Juarez Mejico“….

these would most likely be impossible days…I mean keeping up the pace and all…maybe I’ll be reincarnated as a dog walker instead…who only works a couple of hours a day….or a window cleaner at ground level…few windows a day…that sound good…

“One of the definitions of sanity is the ability to tell real from unreal. Soon we’ll need a new definition.” – Alvin Toffler